We Need a Schedule!

Dear Denise, I believe divine guidance led me to your website. I plan to register for the course. My frustration is that I cannot get my mother on a schedule in order to take her medications. She wants to sleep until noon and then be awake all night. She is suffering from post herpetic neuralgia since march and has COPD. Basically she is healthy except for these things, no B/P problems, diabetes, etc. I work and I...

We’re Looking for a Caregiver on our Homestead

Dear Denise, Thank you for operating the website. My wife is 70 years old and has dementia. She is probably unique in the fact that she is in incredible physical shape, enjoying hikes lasting many hours up and down hills in the forest. She needs help with most common daily activities which I, and 2 other caregivers, provide. We live on 400 acres of rain forest of coastal Oregon and have founded an intentional...

I Think My Brothers Should Help

Denise, I have a very complex question regarding the caregiving of my father. I moved out East 10 years ago from Colorado after going through a divorce. I have two older brothers. My oldest is actually a step brother and my second brother is a year older. They both live in Colorado. Last year, around May, my mother started getting very ill and my youngest daughter, married at the time, started going down to help...

Star

When you look up to the sky at night, they take your breath away. The stars, the wonder of the universe. They seem so small, but they throw such a glow, visible for thousands of miles. Just as you admire the stars, the universe admires you, our world’s star. You shine, you glow. Look at you. You are a star.

Exploring the Power of Rituals

Rituals surround us. As a family caregiver, your rituals lessen some of your chaos. When I cared for my friend Evie, my morning ritual ensured the rest of our day was as pleasant and as stress-free as possible. She awoke at about 11 a.m.; I assisted her with dressing and a sponge bath; I prepared a three-egg cheese omelet while she watched TV and worked on her needle-point....

My Mom Is Difficult

Hello Denise, I am a single mom, and sole caregiver for my 74-year-old mom.  I also cared for my father for 5 years till his death with Lung Cancer.  Since his death my moms health has steadily decreased.  My dads death while was expected just came VERY quick. He passed 2 months after my divorce and 30 days after our move.  Anyways trying to get things level or kinda again and tried to put my mom in a care...

My Mother Is Losing Her Memory

Denise, Can Alzheimer patients with mild to moderate and even beyond symptoms remember where things in the home are located such as, doors, garage, spoons, knives, forks, cups, plates, coffee, mustard, milk, eggs, etc.? My mother is losing her memory and my wife and I were curious. Also if you could give us an idea of the level of memory loss at various stages that would be helpful, too. Thank you in...

How Much Do We Pay Our Sister?

Dear Denise, My mother is 81 and in need of 24-hour care. My sister is eventually going to provide that care with family assistance. In the interim, we have a cousin who is volunteering to provide care until those arrangements can be made. She is not asking for pay, however we are going to provide as much as possible for her. Where to begin? Do we need a contract? What’s a fair wage? What about days off? Mom...

If She Stays, I’ll Go Nuts

Dear Denise, My mother-in-law moved into our home on a temporary basis this summer. She has Alzheimer’s disease and cannot live alone any longer. We decided to have her live with us while we found the most appropriate facility for her. We’ve hired 24-hour care to help, so I do have help. The problem is: I really dislike having my mother-in-law in our home. I have not told anyone this because I feel...

How Do I Train My Sister?

Dear Denise, Finally, I’m going on vacation! I’ll be gone for two weeks in September. My sister will stay at the house and take care of my mom. Here’s my problem: How in the world do I tell my sister what I do every day to take care of my mom? Hello, Good for you! It’s wonderful you’ll be able to take a well-deserved vacation. Because you do so much, it can seem daunting to communicate...

Should We Quit Our Jobs?

Dear Denise, My 81-year-old mother-in-law was diagnosed with Dementia about 5 years ago and diabetes a few months ago. She lived in an apt for about 3 years. The last 2 ½ years she has lived in an apt that we built in our backyard. She is spouse of a veteran so receives survivor benefits and social security. Total amount of income is approx $1,450.00 per month. My mother-in-law is getting to the stage where one of...

How Do I Get Her To Let Go?

Dear Denise, Oh boy do I have questions!  But I will try to keep it simple. I am the main cargiver for my elderly Mother. She just turned 94 last March. Hey, I’m proud of the fact that she is sill able to get around albeit more slowly. She has been showing early signs of dimentia, with some good days and some bad days. My daughter, who is almost 30, recently moved in with us to help me. Talk about tug...

Update

We went to see Dr. Craig again today. The medical profession tells us that my husband’s neurological condition will keep getting worse and worse and that there is nothing they can do to help or slow the progress. Dr. Craig, who is my chiropractor, is trying to help us with a detox and nutrient program. I have no real great expectations that it will help, but on the other hand it can not hurt my...

It’s the Moments

I often host workshops and seminars, where I introduce the concept, The Caregiving Years: Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey. One of the most powerful aspects of the concept, I believe, is its motion between the care recipient and the family caregivers. When a family caregiver first becomes involved in providing the care, the emphasis, naturally, is on the care recipient. Then, as the caregiving journey proceeds...

How Do I Enroll in Safe Return?

Dear Denise, I am a relative of a man who has Alzheimer’s. His elderly wife probably does not know about the ID bracelets that are available. Where might I order one for each of them – her as the caregiver? I do not live in the same state as they do. So far, he has not wondered, but she is concerned that he might. They live in a very rural area. Hello, The bracelets are part of a program called...

Can I Do It?

Dear Denise, I’m just starting on the caregiving journey and have a question. My 88-year-old father is currently in a physical therapy rehabilitation hospital for diabetic neuropathy. He isn’t making any progress and I’m quite anxious about my ability to care for him when he returns home (I live with him). He can sometimes walk with the aid of a walker but  after a few days he reverts to not...

Sizzle

We all have a passion, something (or someone) that makes us sizzle. What’s your passion that gives you your sizzle? You may feel that you’ve lost it in your caregiving world. Your sizzle may take a back seat to your responsibilities. Some days, it’s okay to move it to the front seat, even if for just a few mintues. On a regular basis, find your passion, play your sizzle. Giving yourself time to...

Finding Your Voice, Defining Your Role

Karen has cared for her mother-in-law for almost two years. She does it for her husband–and in spite of her mother-in-law, Alice. Alice made it clear from the start that Karen was not the girl she would have chosen for her only son, Tony. She made it clear throughout their 30-year marriage, at holidays, special occasions and during their weekly visits. Karen did her best to...

End-of-Life Decisions Should be Based on Quality-of-Life Issues

A few years ago, I heard about a case of assisted suicide involving a caregiver and his wife. The case continues to haunt me; when it first received national attention, I diligently followed it. Recent articles and news shows about death and dying in national magazines, and on network television stations makes me believe it’s time to revisit the case. A husband had...

Frustrations and Encouragement

Today I had many feelings of frustration. Frustration at my husband’s disease. Frustration at my husband for not doing things I think he could do to fight off the speed of the progress of this disease. Mixed with these feelings was a little cabin fever again and feelings of guilt for having feelings of frustration. Tonight I do feel better. I went to mid-week services in church. In this case what probably...

Difference

You may wonder, “Do I really make a difference?” In particular, on those difficult days, when you don’t hear “thank you”, when you don’t see progress, when you don’t have help, it may be hard to see the difference you make. Know it: You make a tremendous difference. You make a difference in your care recipient’s life, in your community, and, yes, in our world. Your...

Some days… When the Bad Days Outnumber the Good

Bad days are part of caregiving, but they shouldn’t be the only part! Some suggestions for you when you seem to have only bad days: 1. Take a break–and not just for a day! Call nursing homes and assisted living facilities and find out about their short-term respite stay policies. Ask relatives if they can pitch in and spell you for a week or two. Let them know how difficult caregiving has become for...