Dear Denise,
Oh boy do I have questions! But I will try to keep it simple.
I am the main cargiver for my elderly Mother. She just turned 94 last March. Hey, I’m proud of the fact that she is sill able to get around albeit more slowly. She has been showing early signs of dimentia, with some good days and some bad days. My daughter, who is almost 30, recently moved in with us to help me. Talk about tug ‘o war!
My main question is how do I get mother to “let go”? What I mean by “letting go” is Mother still wanting to do everything and have control over everything. She has her good days and her bad days and has had days where she wants us (my daughter and I) to leave her house. Other days she says we are all in this together! I have Power of Attorney but Mother won’t let me do anything without a struggle. I’m stressed enough as it is, but it is a constant battle just doing every day things!
We have taken her to the doctor, but that always seems to be when she is having a “good day”. Mother loves her doctor, my daughter and I do not. He is very personable to his patients, but does not know how to handle family. Mother will not let us take her to another doctor. My daughter has been working in the medical field since she graduated from college, so I have differed a lot of the medical issues to her. Sensing a bit of depression showing up in Mother, my daughter called the doctor asking for a recomendation. He has recommended a psychiatrist. Mother does not think there is anything wrong, so if I make this appointment how do I explain it to her?
I know a lot of this sounds very confusing, but, well…..help!!
Hello,
It sounds like you are really doing a great job with your mom. Here’s why: The toughest part is balancing your mom’s independence with her safety. It sounds like you’re giving her room to make her decisions (i.e., such as keeping the doctor she likes) while staying involved so you are able to see problems as soon as possible (i.e., she may be depressed). It’s also great that your daughter is helping–it’s great to have extra hands to help and a good friend to whom you can vent.
I can understand your frustration that your mom seems on board to having help one day, then completely dismisses you the next. This actually is quite normal–it’s your mom’s adjustment period to needing help. She’s already experienced lots of losses and changes (loss of friends, spouse, physical changes) so holding on to staying at home will be particularly important. We all adjust to change in different ways and timeframes. What may be an easy adjustment for you or I may be quite difficult for your mom. And, it sounds like it’s really important to your mom that she maintain her independence as long as possible–and, to her, you may be a huge barrier to this. While certainly helping her is giving to her, she may really feel you are taking from her–taking away her ability to do for herself.
Enjoy her good days and forgive her bad ones. Repeat to her that you all are in this together, you are on the same team. On her good days, when she talks about being in this together, ask her questions. Questions like: What role does each team member play? How does the team communicate with each other? How do you provide feedback to each other? How often should you have a team meeting? Who else should be on the team? What’s her goal for the team? You also can mention to her that you totally understand that, on some days, she’ll want time to herself. On those days, you can tell her that you worry about her. Ask for suggestions on how you can give her privacy while making sure she’s okay (this can be your Plan B, your safety net). Her answers to your questions will give you insights that will be helpful as you all move forward. (These questions are also great for you and your daughter to address–you are a sub-team of the team. You also can ask each other: How do we support ourselves? Who supports us? And, how often do each of us get a break?)
On her bad days, when she tells you to leave, just put your Plan B into place. Your Plan B could be that you call her later to make sure she’s okay, you ask another relative to call her, you make sure she has easy-to-prepare food, easy access to medications or other supplies, and can reach you in case of an emergency. Before you leave, you can give her a hug and a kiss (even when you feel really frustrated with her), tell you love her.
You may look into an Emergency Response System so that if an emergency happens, she’ll be able to get help. You can call your Area Agency on Aging to find out about these services. You also can check with your local Alzheimer’s Association to learn about support groups, community services and information that can help all of you.
Of course, as her dementia increases, you’ll have to step in and take over if she make decisions that will endanger her.
It’s great that her doctor recommended a psychiatrist. Because your mom really likes her doctor, you can tell her: Her doctor has referred her to a specialist just to make sure all is well. (Although you have difficulties with her doctor, it’s great that he has referred to her a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, some physicians would dismiss your worries about her depression.) You can tell her that you know how important it is to her to follow doctor’s orders, so you’ve made an appointment.
Finally, all of this is trial and error. You’ll have good days, when you seem to know just what to say and do, and bad days, when you can’t seem to do anything right. Just as you do for your mom, celebrate your good days and forgive your bad. Mistakes are merely learning opportunities. You’re doing your best–and that’s absolutely the best you can do.
