Today is a better day.
I have really high standards for myself in terms of my behavior, my thoughts and my feelings. Even though I get discouraged, sad, disgusted, irritable, snappy(?) and exhausted at times, like any other human being, I have DECIDED, that I will be a loving, enthusiastic, cheerful and functional caregiver, wife and mother. I recognize my real feelings, remember to ‘work through’ my feelings later, and do what needs to be done in the moment with a smile on my face and love in my heart.
In order to do this, I need a lot of education, support and inspiration. Like I said before, I am a voracious reader of self-help and armchair psychology. And that I absolutely love therapy and coaching and accountability programs, though, at the moment, I’m not actively enrolled in anything. (sadly). So–lately my education and support has come from a couple of really good books:
Taking Care of Parents Who Didn’t Take Care of You: Making Peace with Aging Parents by Eleanor Cade
and
Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents, Even If They Didn’t Take Care of You By: Roberta Satow Ph.D.
Both EXCELLENT books by the way. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. I would easily say they are why today was a better day. It is so much easier to handle the emotional work of caregiving when you can know your feelings are normal responses to the situation and you don’t have to question whether or not you’re a terrible person. As Eleanor Cade so aptly points out, our society has FEELING RULES that we must abide by–it’s not enough that you DO THE RIGHT THING, you must also FEEL a certain way while you’re doing it.
Before I read these books, I felt entitled to DO THE RIGHT THING with a chip on my shoulder and some words under my breath–very begrudgingly, very put-upon—exhausted and negative. I am sure my mother could sense the tension–even though we did not discuss it.
Now, I am more at ease with what’s happening. Now that I’ve read these authors (as well as Denise’s!) documentation of other people’s real feelings, somehow I’ve let myself off the hook in terms of thinking I was a terrible person for not relishing this situation. Now that I am ‘off the hook’ somehow, I am able to let it go, and somehow that changes everything. IT’S OK. The whole situation is OK. It’s do-able. I can do it. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s irrelevant how we ended up here. I just get to LOVE my mom. Love her in the active, effort, VERB sort of way. And that’s my expectation of myself anyway.
These gals–Eleanor I think–have a section about LISTENING to our loved one. Previously I was so caught up in the huge chip on my shoulder, that I just wanted as little to do with my mother as possible. I was so angry. Somehow when I accept that the whole situation is completely messed up –FUBAR as my Lieutenant Colonel brother-in-law says—I can see, it’s not my fault. My mom did her absolute best. She did what she was able to do. I can let go and be interested in her as I would be in any other human being sitting at my dinner table.
It’s not about what she did or didn’t do. It’s not about whether or not she has ‘the right’ social skills, or good manners. It’s not about her behaving the way I need or expect her to. It’s about LOVING her in the active, VERB sort of way. I can accept her–warts and all–without letting my anger subtly erode or destroy what is wonderful in both of our lives. I don’t have to point out who was right and who was wrong. It doesn’t matter anymore.
In a way, it’s OVER. There is nothing left about the situation that can hurt me or cause me to feel sad or do things I don’t want to do. I don’t care anymore. Not in an indifferent, absent way–in a very active, positive, whatever happens is OK kind of way. I don’t have to monitor a boundary. I don’t have to keep such a rigid hold on reality and point out every failure of logic in our conversations. Not in an ‘I don’t care about her’ kind of way—in a ‘she can’t do any better so this is the best it’s going to be’ kind of way. I get to be present to her–where she is now. I have cared for myself emotionally, and I don’t need her to be a certain way.
I know what reality is, I can tell the difference between her onset of dementia, her manic thoughts, her schizophrenic mistrust. I know what she WOULD say if she wasn’t in this compromised mental state. I don’t need to remind her that she is in a compromised mental state. It would be unkind and it doesn’t matter to her happiness or self-esteem.
I care for myself so much and so well, that I don’t NEED her to care for me in specific ways. I don’t know if she can feel the difference in my attitude–she has said before that I am the one person in her life she can count on and that has really loved her. ( I would say that has been true–which used to make me feel that much worse for my real feelings ). But–to me–these books have been life changing.
My only remaining issue has to do with ME–acting out, rebelling and protesting and OPTING OUT of my situation with the only acceptable place I can do it: cooking, cleaning, and administrative affairs. There are times when things are so disheveled, messy, dirty, and unorganized that it is truly disrespectful. My laxness undermines how beautiful my home is, how much I love my husband and child and dogs–and makes it unpleasant just to do ordinary things. I feel chronically behind, and I deprive myself of fun, comfort and pleasure. I’m constantly pre-occupied and down on myself.
So–when I need inspiration, I look to my latest favorite authors: Mirra Alfassa and Aurobindo Akroyd Ghosh. I happened upon their philosophy once upon a time, and they help me to do better. http://www.gurusoftware.com/Gurunet/AurobindoMother/MotherPath.htm.
I’ll let you know what I learn and how I’m doing next time. Take care!
