Dear Denise,
First of all I want to share with you the good news. I am now into the 4th month of my pregnancy. I also am caring for my dad who is ill.
Yesterday my dad had a doctor appointment that did not go well at all. His heart is slowing down and his arties in his neck are 45% and 40% closed. I know that I need to have a plan of action but I don’t know what kind of plan.
This is totally different from my mom. We had hospice to help us. My dad will not have hospice because his next stroke or heart attack will kill him to be frank. Dad’s doctor made me promise that if my dad starts to have chest pain or shortness of breath to let him (doctor) know and I know I have to call 911 as well. I know that I need to get his papers in order.
One question that I have is my dad has a DNR from his time at the Veterans Hospital, now that he has a private doctor do I need to get my dad a new DNR? Is now good time to see about getting power of attorney so that I can take care of my dad’s financial affairs so that those people can talk to me? This just caught me by surprise.
Can I call legal aide to see if they can help me this dilemma of mine? I know that my dad needs to update his will.
–Pregnant Caregiver
Hello Pregnant,
First, congratulations on your wonderful news about the baby!!
I can imagine how much the news about your dad would catch you off-guard. It must be hard to be so happy about your baby when you must be so worried and scared about your dad.
You are absolutely correct that you’ll want to develop a plan. And, your thought-process is definitely heading in the right direction.
Yes, you want to have power of attorney papers for your dad; more importantly, you want durable power of attorney for health care and finances so you can make health care and financial decisions on behalf of your dad if a time comes when he can’t. You can contact your local legal aide organization for help or your local Area Agency on Aging. The staff at the agency also can tell you about local eldercare attorneys that may offer low-cost services. It’s critical to have this document signed ASAP.
Because you will have the power to make health care decisions on behalf of your dad, it’s really important to understand your dad’s wishes. You can order a great workbook called “Five Wishes” which actually works you through a conversation with your dad about his end-of-life care decisions. The book costs $5 and can arrive within days of your order. Visit this site for details and ordering information: http://agingwithdignity.org/
It’s also important for you and your dad to have an honest discussion with his doctor. It’s essential that his doctor understand your dad’s wishes, have a copy of the DNR on file at his office (his doctor may ask that he sign a new one), as well as a copy of your power of attorney for health care and finances. You’ll also want to have copies of his paperwork with you, with your dad, at his home and at your home so that wherever you are, you’ll have the paperwork when needed.
A few questions to ask his doctor:
1. Does your father have a terminal diagnosis? If so, then the doctor can refer your father to Hospice. You also can call Hospice for more information about whether or not your father would qualify for Hospice services. I think it’s always worth a phone call to find out more.
2. From the doctor’s perspective, what is the purpose of calling “911” when your father has chest pains or shortness of breath? Will the paramedics and doctors be able to perform certain treatments that will save his life? If they can save his life, what will the ramifications be on his remaining time? What are the chances that taking him to the hospital will improve his condition? What would happen if your father simply stayed home?
3. What are your father’s wishes in regard to calling “911”? What would his preferences be?
It’s important to understand the implications of calling “911”, even if your father has a signed DNR. If you call “911”, there’s a chance that the paramedics and doctors will perform extraordinary treatments to save your father–treatments that your father may in fact not want.
If you and your father have any concerns that his wishes are contradictory to his doctor’s orders, then it’s smart to investigate other doctors in the area who will honor your father’s wishes. The Hospice organization can refer you to doctors in the area with whom they work.
