It’s happened to me lately more than I would like to remember. I am relating a story and am stopped mid-sentence. My listener wants to insert her interpretation of the story. She wants to tell me about how she thinks I feel, how she thinks I am reacting to this situation, the point she feels I am making.
Sound familiar? You relate a story to a listener who ends up relating the story to themselves, leaving you to feel unsatisfied and frustrated. They’re not really listening, just biding their time to begin talking.
Argh! I am relating a story to feel better, only to feel worse.
And, for family caregivers, you may feel a double whammy of the Listener Who Becomes the Story Teller; you carry the stories of yourself and your care recipient. Not only do you have your own stories to tell, but you also shoulder the responsibility of sharing your care recipient’s story–to the doctors, the specialists, the home care staff, the nursing staff, the church volunteer. Sometimes you may feel like screaming: Why won’t anyone listen?
So, how do we thwart those who insist they understand the point of our story, when they couldn’t, because they were too busy inserting themselves into our story?
I’m working on some communication techniques that I hope will help.
1. Even though the “listener” in your dialogue isn’t really listening (you can’t listen and talk at the same time), don’t give up your listening role. Listen to what injections and assumptions they insert. Then, calmly correct them. (This may take the patience of a saint.) You can say, “I understand that’s how you feel. However, the point of my story is this: …..”
2. Interrupt! It’s a social no-no, but sometimes it’s the only way. Step in and say: “Excuse me for interrupting, but I want to share a few more points. Thanks for listening to my entire story.”
3. Often, when we relate our stories, we also give the stories their meaning. We’re talking the situation out in order to understand exactly what happened. Even though our listener’s interpretation may make us crazy, these interruptions may also help us define our story.
4. Let it go. If you’ve clarified, re-explained, redefined until you’re blue in the face, your listener isn’t worth the trouble. And, it’s probably time to dump this listener from your list of people with whom you want to share your stories.
5. If you need to tell your story and are frustrated by the lack of good listeners, tell your story to a different set of ears: Your journal, your prayers, your next batch of chocolate chip cookies, your next game of golf.
6. If you work with health care professionals who lack good listening skills, then try a different communication tactic: Write a letter, send an e-mail, leave a voice mail message.
For instance, your contact at the home health agency, a supervisor, is very nice, but just doesn’t quite listen to your request. You’ve asked for a home health aide who enjoys baking with your mother, but the supervisor only hears that your mother loves apple pie. So, the home health aide brings a pie (which is very nice) once a week. Finally, you leave a message on the supervisor’s voice mail message: “The aide brings wonderful pie every week for my mother. Next week, I’d love for the aide to bake the pie with my mother during her visit. I’ll have all the ingredients needed. My mother is very much looking forward to baking a pie next week with the aide. Thank you for your help!”
7. If you tell a story in order to make a point, then be sure your listener understands your point. For instance, you want your brother to understand how painful his very brief visits are to your mother. You relate a story about what happens after one of his yet-again, too-short visits. After you finish your story, ask: “How can we prevent Mom from feeling so sad after your visit ends?”
You may not be able to change your brother’s behavior, but you may be able to make some headway into communicating effectively.
7. Be a good listener when others bring their stories to you. Listen, listen, listen. Ask good questions: How did that make you feel? How would you handle the situation differently? What is most painful about the situation?
Our world seems to be losing the art of listening. You and I can change that.
