They may live five minutes away, but for as good as they are, it might as well be five hours. You thought you raised them right, but now your children say they are “too busy” to stop by and see your spouse. Or, you thought you knew them, your siblings. You thought you could count on them to help take care of your folks. Now, it seems you can only count on them to keep track of the cash going out for the much-needed help.
Battling your family members for help might just be the one battle you want to concede. After all, you’ve done you could to get them involved in caregiving. You’ve:
1. Asked for specific requests, such as help on the first Tuesday evening of every month so you can attend your support group.
2. Delegated responsibilities that they feel comfortable handling, like paying bills, making phone calls, pitching in with a few bucks to pay for respite care.
3. Requested their attendance at regular family meetings.
4. Sent regular updates, through regular mail and/or e-mail, so they understand your care recipient’s condition and your caregiving responsibilities. (Always document any updates you send.)
5. Invited their suggestions, insights, recommendations on your regular updates.
They commit, but cancel at the last minute. Or, they have one excuse after another. Your family members have shown that they can’t be counted on—so believe it.
Even though your family members won’t help, still look for help, from your community, from your church, from your neighbors. Battling family members who just can’t—or won’t–help is a waste of energy.
If you find that you battle family members over use of a care recipient’s funds, then enlist the help of professionals such as lawyers, financial planners, and social workers. Organizations such as Easter Seals, the Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer’s Association often have social workers who can mediate family disagreements.
And, you may find that family members only want to be involved long enough to “should” on you; they can’t bother to help you take your mother to the doctor, but they can bother to tell your mother doesn’t look good and that you need to do more for her. Don’t stand for a “should-fest” and don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty that you should do more. You’re doing your best, each and every day. Every day that you provide care you are doing your best. And, that’s always good enough.
Caregiving is one the most difficult jobs I’ve had in my 40+ years of employment. My mother had a stroke in 2008 and was recently diagnose with Parkinson’s Disease. In order to care for my mother, I took an early retirement. To be truthful, I resent retiring at 56 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother because she sacrifice for all 5 of us! Plus, I couldn’t let my sister do it alone.
I read something a caregiver once wrote, “It takes 1 mother to raise 7 chidren, but 7 children to take care of a mom.” So true! I love my mother, but some days I just want to run away. My mother can be a handful sometimes and very difficult. My sister and I take turns providing my mother. We take care of her every other day, but every other week we have a long weekend (e.g., I may work Monday and Tuesday off Wednesday and Thursday, back to work on Friday, Saturday and Sunday). My off days are something I look forward to! I just feel so alone.
My other siblings are employed and one sister is in New Jersey. It’s easy to care for someone over the weekend or for three weeks. However, you know there’s an “end” to this situation. The only way of surviving is PRAYER! I pray for patience, love, and strength to continue to provide support to my mother!! I ask for one favor from the reading audience, PRAY for me!
I get so frustrated, and try so hard to distance myself from my siblings…
My brother and his wife (a nurse) are due to visit this afternoon. They live in FL in the winter and in MA in the summer – so stop here twice a year, to see my mother – on the way down in the fall and on the way up in the spring. They are retired.
Because we have lost so many aides over the last month, I knew (thought) today I could look forward to calmly going grocery shopping because they would be here with my mother. Greg and the kids all have plans today.
I just got a phone call. They won’t be here until 2:30 (or after) and then plan to stay for an hour, go to the hotel to shower, and return to take my mother to dinner (probably another hour’s worth of visiting) and then they’ll have to leave, so they can get up early in the morning to continue driving.
I want SO BADLY to distance myself from the continued hurt and disappointment, but it’s so hard when they drop in as they do. Very frustrating…My other brother is due to come in June for a couple of days – he really likes to visit different small shops here in our town while he is here, so he is in and out when visiting.
So frustrating….Helps to vent though – thanks!
When I told my mother they wouldn’t be here for an hour or so after lunch, she said, “I understand”. Breaks my heart, why doesn’t it break theirs’?
Thinking about the title of this blog…it really isn’t worth the energy. We had a nice visit today and I just got back from grocery shopping. As I was shopping, I thought, I can be irritated, or just rest in knowing that I’m fortunate to have family that visit. I think the latter takes much less energy.(: And, that has to be better for us.