Dear Denise,
I find myself hating my siblings more and more every day. They won’t help, but they sure do judge.
What can I do?
–Hating
Dear Hating,
It’s absolutely understandable that you have such strong feelings for those who never help and always judge.
I’m not sure of another emotion that’s so hard to manage as hate. And, ironically, your hatred can be so self-destructive—and have very little impact on those you hate. You’re seething inside, doubling your blood pressure, while your siblings go about their lives. You’re wise to seek some coping techniques.
A few suggestions:
1. Go to the love. I find this simple reminder helpful when I’m really feeling intense dislike for family members (or friends or colleagues) in my life. If I move toward the love (and away from the hate), I feel much better because I feel much more in control. So, I go to the love by spending time with those I love and who I know love me. I leave very little time for those who don’t.
2. Read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. His book offers a guide to interpersonal relationships and helpful insights that remind us that it really isn’t about us. Your siblings’ judgments of you are really judgments of themselves.
3. Get it out. Exercise, journal, vent to your support groups. Getting it out means you let go of its hold on you.
4. Develop responses you use in your communication with your siblings. For instance, you might say, “I’m doing my best. Because you think you can do better, why don’t you stay with Mom on Friday night while I go out with friends? Come by at 7 p.m. and plan to stay until about 11 p.m. Mom will love this! Thanks so much.” (If your sibling agrees to this, be sure to have a Plan B ready in case they are a no-show.)
5. Keep communication simple and, if you can, via e-mail. Send factual updates about your care recipient to your siblings regularly (every week or every-other-week, whatever you feel is best). They can reply to your e-mails with comments and judgments. But, just because they reply doesn’t mean you have to read their messages. It also doesn’t mean that their statements are true. And, messages filled with hate are never worth a reply.
You’re in a tough spot. It’s sad when those you think will support you, don’t. Know that you can find those who do support you. And, know that doing your best is the best you can do.
Some time going to special place just doesn’t work my sister yolanda is the most rude thoughtless and the most self central person I ever have the misfortune to meet in my life she have been this way for the past 3 years now everyone in our family pretend their nothing wrong and turn a blind eye to it She the main reason all the arguments have started . She care more about her clothes and makeup then how the world see her in a negative light. Me and my other sister tell her to her face she rude and not very nice person she just laugh thinking we playing with her…