Dear Denise,
I have been looking around the Internet on the subject of care giving and came across your website. I have a question and hopefully you might be able to help me. My husband and I are caregivers for my mother who is a severe dementia patient. We have moved into her house over two years ago, but still maintain and pay all the bills at our house. My sister is adamant about us NOT living at Mom’s and I can’t figure out why. We both have Power of Attorney and Mom has a Will in place.
During a heated argument my sister told us to go back to our home, which I didn’t, and told her pointedly that Mom’s home is mine until God takes her. She just does everything imaginable to make things horrible for us. We both work full time, my husband works 8p.m.- 4:00 a.m., so he is up with Mom when she gets up. My sister comes around 10:00 and stays until I get home at 2:00p.m. I couldn’t imagine her staying with Mom 24-7 like we almost do so I would guess that she would hire someone to come in with Mom. I really don’t know. As you can well imagine my stress level is about 1000!
On the onset of all of this when the Dr. told us that Mom was no longer capable of staying alone my sister without any consultation with me said that Mom would live with her, she and her husband are retired, that lasted 2 DAYS!!! Mom was very unhappy and just wanted to go home, so she then called me and said WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING, so I said that I would stay with Mom and did so for 3 months going back and forth. You can imagine how tired I was getting; doing that and working full time, PLUS NOT LIVING WITH MY HUSBAND, so one weekend my sister took my Mom out of town for the weekend and we moved in. And that is when the ATTITUDE BEGAN.
The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that we are doing this for my Mom who I love so much.
Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.
Hello,
Thanks for writing. My thoughts:
It’s stressful to be in a caregiving situation, but it’s even worse when coupled with a relationship that’s as emotionally-charged as the one with your sister. The sister relationship can be so rewarding, but it also can be so upsetting and heart-breaking.
You and your sister are a great example of how caregiving brings out all the relationship upsets that we previously walked around, stepped over or simply avoided. Caregiving brings those issues to a head.
It seems as if your mother has become a pawn in the unresolved issue between you and your sister. Your sister moves your mom out behind your back. You move in behind her back. Perhaps your mom is unaware of the drama between you and your sister. Perhaps she isn’t.
My suggestion would be to take care of the underlying issue with your sister. Ask her to see a counselor with you. If she won’t go, go on your own. It’s important to learn how to effectively communicate with your sister because she’s a part of your life and of your mom’s life.
You sound like a very strong, caring person as exemplified by the loving care given to your mom. You’ve been given a wonderful opportunity to heal an important relationship (the one with your sister). It also sounds like you’re ready to change the relationship with your sister. You’re smart to start now.
Tags: siblings
