Dear Denise,
I am at my wit’s end caring for my mother-in-law and father-in-law. It’s been going on for three years now and I’m at the end of my rope. My husband’s and my heath have now been affected this past year. He has no other siblings to share any of the responsibilities with but me. His brothers and sisters are in bad shape also and need constant care.
We purchased my in-law’s home three years ago to pay someone to stay with them during the day. We take many phone calls all week with problems and stay with them on the weekends, cleaning, cooking, shopping, pill planning, lawn care, etc. Now that their money is about gone, a nursing home seems to be our next solution but is being fought by this mother.
She has Parkinson’s and is wheel chair bound. His father has Alzheimer’s disease and has gone down hill this past year. He is unable to help her because he doesn’t know what she’s asking for. She’s had 3 falls this year and he’s unable to help her up now.
How do I make her understand that the nursing home is what’s best for the both of them? I’ve already told her that the money will be all gone the 1st of the month and we can’t afford to pay for their stay at home ourselves. We are not in a financial position to quit our jobs to stay with them ourselves nor do I think either of us could do it as we are already burned out.
Any suggestions?
Hi,
You are at a critical fork in the road. My suggestion would be to call your local Area Agency on Aging (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral) and ask about Medicaid benefits for your in-laws. Call ASAP. Medicaid (which differs than Medicare) is the health program for low-income persons. Medicaid benefits include home care and nursing home care.
Ask about good local nursing homes in your area that accept Medicaid. Then, visit them and find out about the admission policy. It can be difficult to find a good nursing home when funds are depleted. Often, you’ll find a waiting list for a Medicaid admission. So, if you’ve made the decision to pursue nursing home admission, now is the time to act.
It’s okay that your mother-in-law doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. She will be upset–and she has every right to feel that way. And, it’s okay to let her feel that way. Sympathize and thank her for her understanding, but let her know that they need more care than you can provide at home. That’s not anybody’s fault. You can’t prevent the aging process or the progression of a disease. You just can’t. But, you can ensure that your in-laws live in a safe environment that the right nursing home can provide.
