A Caregiver’s Bill of Rights

By Jo Horne I have the right: To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my loved one. To seek help from others even though my loved ones may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength. To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do...

How Do I Deal With the Guilt When I Leave?

Dear Denise, I need help! To make a long story short, my mother-in-law is now living with us in the downstairs. Her place is like a big studio apartment, but she comes up for meals. She takes care of her own hygiene, is able to get around. and is 90 years old. Her mind is very good, and she is very intellegent and knowledgeble, still. She, however, is getting feeble. We try to provide for her needs and wants,...

(Anti) Angst

Do certain relationships cause you grief, well, really, angst? The angst is a red flag that these relationships don’t work for you. Perhaps at one time they did, but now you’ve outgrown them, or found a new perspective, or set a new boundary. The angst is painful, but serves an important purpose–a nudge to move forward from the pain. Dance away from the angst and dance toward those relationships...

Hard Times and Blessings

This has been quite a day. We found out today that my mother-in-law most likely has cancer. Her cat scan shows that she has a tumor in her ovary and there appears to be a spot on her lung. They will do an official biopsy on Mon., but there is not much chance that she does not have cancer. Tonight, however, we had beautiful fellowship together with my husband and me, my son’s family, my...

Nursing Home is the Solution, But…

Dear Denise, I am at my wit’s end caring for my mother-in-law and father-in-law. It’s been going on for three years now and I’m at the end of my rope. My husband’s and my heath have now been affected this past year. He has no other siblings to share any of the responsibilities with but me. His brothers and sisters are in bad shape also and need constant care. We purchased my in-law’s home three...

A Safer Suite on Your Caregiving Journey

Today, on Your Caregiving Journey, we spoke with our Jamie Goldberg, AKBD, CAPS, our aging-in-place expert, about creating a safer suite for your care recipients. Today, we focused on the bathroom. We can make some modifications in our bathroom on our own or with the help of a handyman. Jamie suggests: –Replacing the sharp-edged corners of our vanities and counters with rounded-corner tops. –Adding grab...

How Do I Help Her Recognize Me?

Do you have any “helps” for a person in the 5th to 6th stage of vascular dementia having severe problems recognizing her husband and family members? Thanks, The Husband Hi, You sound like an awesome husband. Oh, this is such a hard time! It’s heartbreaking to have a spouse, a very special loved one who shares a life’s journey, forget. It’s important to remember that the disease...

One Day at a Time

I got my husband’s numbers back today from his detox week. The test measures cell and body functions basically. Wayne is still way below normal ranges, but he did make a tad improvement in these numbers. So I suppose that is a good thing. We have not seen any tangible improvements, however. He still has all the issues he ever had. We are barely into the program, however, so we will give it time. He...

I’m just not ok with this.

I know my job is to accept this situation and do my best to work within it. And, I do my best to work within it. If you ask my mother, she will tell you this is the best living arrangement she’s had in years. I do her meds accurately, and timely for the most part. I am the only one we know in our new area that can do the oxygen and walker stuff really well. And, she gets to all of her appointments. Her bills and...

Is this is what my life has become?

Hi again. If you’ve read my blogs you know that I have a very good life. A loving, wonderful, amazing husband, and the greatest 6-month old baby ever. Wonderful friends, terrific in-laws and some great members of my own family. At various points in my life, I’ve had other amazing and terrific experiences as well—travelling, skiing, snowboarding, running marathons. I’ve gotten to be a graphic designer,...

Lessons Learned from Family Caregivers: 10 (Plus One) Ways to Live a Great Life

I remember the very first family caregiver I met in 1990: Her mother attended the senior nutrition site I managed, in a small town in New Jersey along the Delaware River. She worried about her mom alone all day, so encouraged her mom to attend our senior center and enjoy a hot lunch and quiet conversation (well, loud conversation; one senior, Hazel, often screamed to us that she had a “tin ear”). Each...

Be Prepared: Create Your Contingency Plan Before You Need It

Keeping Caregiving Safe What if I’m sick? Who will take care of my care recipient? What if I need to help my daughter and her new baby? Who will take care of my care recipient? What if I need to go back to work? Who will take care of my care recipient? The start of a New Year is a great time to create your contingency plan, which has the answers to “What if?” questions. (For more help in creating...

Caregiving Mantras: Making Your Healthy Perspective Your Healthy Reality

You are what you believe you are. And, as a family caregiver, your perspective on your situation can make or break you. To help you keep a healthy perspective, we’ve come up with the following caregiving mantras: I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for providing my care recipient with a safe environment and with appropriate care. I cannot make my care recipient happy—that’s his or her own...

An Extra Pair of Hands May Mean Easier Days

You count to 10. You pray. You say any and all affirmations those 14 books you’ve bought tell you will work. But, nothing’s working. You and your care recipient are at odds. And, the odd-makers seem to be betting against you. Caregiving is getting the best of you. It might be time to look for more help and help from a home health agency may be just the ticket. We’ve come up with reasons to use...

sisyphus

I’ve been ‘gone’ for  a couple of days because I haven’t had a bee in my bonnet. Things are kinda rolling along here. I think I get a lot happier and more comfortable with everything when my house is really clean. (To qualify—we moved cross-country recently, and across town when our new house was ready, just had a new baby and my husband works and goes to law school—so it’s just me) Happily, I’ve...

Nursing Home Placement: How Do You Know?

It’s the question most family caregivers will ask at some point: Do I just need a break? Or, is it time for a permanent change (placement in assisted living or nursing home). Before making a decision regarding permanent change, explore all your options: 1. Are you using all sources of help that are available, within the family and within the community? To be sure, call your local Area Agency on Aging, local...

We Need to Talk…

The Hartford Financial Services Group and the MIT AgeLab created a guide to help families worried about an aging parent’s ability to drive safely. The guide, We Need to Talk:  Family Conversations with Older Drivers, is based on a study of older drivers’ attitudes and driving habits. It offers families practical information to help them advise their loved ones on whether it is time to limit or even give up...

Keeping the “In” in Independence

You can see your parents struggle—to make a sandwich, to button a shirt, to fold the laundry. It may seem like an act of kindness to pitch in and help, but those very acts can undermine one of your greatest gifts you give to your aging parent as a family caregiver—a chance to feel success, to complete a meaningful task, to enjoy a special role in the family. Understanding your motivation behind doing it all for...

Six Words About Your Success

As a family caregiver, you may feel completely overwhelmed by loss, so much so that you think: Can this be a successful experience? Yes! We’ve come up with some words that show your success: Resilience: There are some days when getting out of bed is hard, it just doesn’t seem to be the best option. Wouldn’t it be great to hide under the covers for a few days? At times, you may be slow getting up, but you...

Walking Back in Time

As your care recipient’s memory moves back in time, you can join him or her in the journey. Use the Internet to research important times in your care recipient’s life; learn what was happening on a world-wide scale, on a national scale and on a local scale, in your care recipient’s home town. When your care recipient begins to speak about certain events or episodes, you’ll have the historical...

Your Story!

As a family caregiver, you have a story to tell. Your story about your caregiving experience involves intrigue (will the doctor ever return your call?), mystery (when will your care recipient take her next bath? next week? next month? next…?), a love triangle (you, your husband and your care recipient)–all great ingredients for a great story! And, when you tell your story, you name your emotions in your...

Battling Your Family Members: Is It Worth Your Energy?

They may live five minutes away, but for as good as they are, it might as well be five hours. You thought you raised them right, but now your children say they are “too busy” to stop by and see your spouse. Or, you thought you knew them, your siblings. You thought you could count on them to help take care of your folks. Now, it seems you can only count on them to keep track of the cash going out for the...