Dear Denise,
My husband’s parents still live by themselves–he is in very bad health and we believe she has Alzheimer’s. She will not go to a doctor. I have made her appointments with a neurologist and two of her doctors have made her appointments and she refuses to go. So we can only guess this is what she has.
My problem is how do we decide she is a danger to herself or her husband because she forgets everything and sometimes does not use common sense when things happen? She still drives which I think is a bad idea but her two sons are afraid to take away her freedom because she has told them she will hate them for it and she means it. Her husband had a heart attack not long ago so we hired a woman to help her and she fired her less than a week later.
I know you probably can’t answer on just this but I am worried she is going to get in her car and forget how to get home. Thank you.
–Worried
Dear Worried,
I can imagine how upsetting this situation must be for all of you. It would be great if your in-laws made responsible and healthy decisions on their behalf. Because they aren’t (or simply can’t because of their illnesses), it seems that it is time for others to step in.
Contact the local chapter of your Alzheimer’s Association (visit www.alz.org to search for the chapter). The Alzheimer’s Foundation of America also has chapters across the country; you can find out more here: http://www.alzfdn.org. The staff at either organization will have information about the disease and can offer suggestions on how to get help. In addition, they can provide great information on taking away the keys, a touchy and difficult decision for family members to make.
It’s awful that your mother-in-law has used emotional manipulation in order to keep the car keys. I can understand the sons not wanting their mother to hate them… but wouldn’t they hate themselves if their mother was in a car accident and injured herself or, worse, injured others? They aren’t taking away her freedom–they are protecting her (and others) from potential harm.
It is hard to keep a perspective during such emotional turmoil; remind your husband and his brother that the most loving act they can take is to ensure that their parents stay well for as long as possible. This isn’t about keeping their parent’s love, but rather showing their parents how much they love them. Taking aware the car keys to protect their parents is a loving act.
As a short-term solution, disable her car so that she can’t drive. You can purchase a No Start Car Battery Switch at www.alzstore.com (click on “Safety” and then go to page 2) for $36.95. If she asks when her car will be fixed, tell her what will keep her calm, perhaps simply stating that the car will be taken in for service as soon as possible (even though you really won’t bring it in for service).
Ask the staff at the local chapter of either Alzheimer’s association for a referral to a geriatric assessment center; the staff at the center can complete a battery of tests to properly diagnosis your mother-in-law. Schedule the appointment at a time when her sons can take her. When you schedule the appointment, ask the staff for suggestions on how you can get her to the doctor. It’s been my experience that it’s best not to offer a person in your mother-in-law’s situation the choice of whether or not she will go to the doctor. Simply tell her (and you might find it best not to tell her until her sons arrive at her home) and then take her (don’t leave it up to her to get to the appointment on her own). Her sons should be calm and direct with her: They can tell her that the doctor wants to see her, they’ll go with her and then treat her to lunch afterward. If they still don’t have any luck, then ask the assessment center if they can refer you to a physician who will make housecalls. It’s imperative that she be properly diagnosed so she can receive the treatment and help she and your father-in-law both need.
The Area Agency on Aging also will have information and resources that can help. Call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral.
It is really hard to step in and make decisions–especially on behalf of parents. When illness affects parents’ judgment, it’s important that someone who can make good decisions step in.
Tags: driving
