Your Caregiving Challenge: Write Your Self-Care Rule

Yesterday, I finished leading a three-week teleclass about journaling for family caregivers sponsored by Foundation for Senior Living, based in Phoenix. For three consecutive Wednesdays, 18 family caregivers–some caring for spouses, others for parents–gathered for a conference call. During our second call, we discussed journaling as it relates to self-care. I asked participants to consider a current rule they may have about self-care, such as:

• My care recipient has more pressing needs than I, so my self-care must take a back seat to my care recipient’s.
• I’ll take care of myself if I have the time.
• I have too much to do to think about myself.

You can see how these rules can limit as well as harm. Then, we talked about creating new rules that reflect the importance of self-care, such as:

• I provide the best care I can to my care recipient. During the day, I devote as much time as I can to activities and relationships important to me.
• I balance caring for my care recipient with caring for myself.

After suggesting a few new rules, I asked the group for feedback. How did these sound?

Selfish, a participant said. She proceeded to explain: Because of her husband’s terminal illness, she can’t imagine spending any time away from him–being with him is what’s most important.

Ah!, I said. You just described your values as they relate to your caregiving role: Your value is to spend as much time as possible with your care recipient. You know that time may be limited so it’s critical you spend the time you have together.

I offered this as a possible rule for her:

• I take care of myself because I want to be in good health so I can enjoy every moment I have with my husband.

You hear this all the time: You must take care of yourself. It’s true, but it’s also true that how you take care of yourself must align with your current caregiving values. And, as your caregiving role changes, so will your caregiving values. For instance, when you first begin to help your care recipient, you may value the time you have away from your care recipient. In this case, your self-care rule may be:

• I help my care recipient every evening. When I’m not helping my care recipient, I focus on my own relationships, needs and goals.

During an intense caregiving period (when your care recipient has the flu, for instance, or is recovering from a set-back), you may value the home health aide you’ve hired. Your rule may be:

• Because of the pressure I feel in my caregiving role, I am taking breaks while the home health aide cares for my care recipient. My breaks are important to my endurance, so I will schedule the home health aide for three days a week for four hours at a time.

And, during those times when you feel trapped by caregiving, your self-care rule may be:

• I have formed a team who can provide what my care recipient needs in order to be safe and cared for. Because of the team, I can take regular time away from my caregiving role. I cherish these breaks and know they are good for me and for my care recipient.

When your care recipient is experiencing heightened anxiety, your rule may be:

• It’s important for me to be available to my care recipient in order to relieve his anxiety. I will plan my breaks to write in my journal and listen to my favorite music when my care recipient naps and sleeps.

Your self-care rules work in tandem with your caregiving mission statement. And, your rules and your mission statement are yours to create. They are individualized just for you.

This is your caregiving challenge: Take some time to write your self-care rule, which reflects what you value right now. Then, commit to sticking to your rule for one week. After the week, review the rule. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to revise?

Share your rule with us in our Comments section and then keep us posted during the week on how well you do. We’ll choose one of our challenge participants to receive a copy of my book, The Caregiving years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey. Thanks for playing!!