Walking Tall

I recently had a disagreement with a friend. Our disagreement was about the balance in our friendship. I said I felt I gave and he took. He disagreed, believing that I hold him to a higher standard than others, including myself. Ah! The door opened—I walked through. I provided details on how I had been a good friend and how, when I needed a good friend, he wasn’t there. This moment, the moment I could say, My...

When does it get to be over?

In the last few days (weeks?) I’ve thought a lot about the idea of learned helplessness, and it’s cousin—secondary gain [the side benefits people derive from their illnesses like attention, catering, and a reason to not have to take responsibility]. And, I’m repulsed. I’m repulsed to recognize these qualities in myself in past situations – mostly career things — and repulsed to recognize them in...

Story

What’s your story? Does your story reflect who you were, who you are, who you want to be? Or, does your story cement you in a past full of wrongs and pains, so much so that the listener loses focus of who you are today? Tell a story about yourself that includes lesson learned (your past), your current goals (your present) and your dreams (your future). A story that includes your past, present and future...

Purpose and Sometimes Weariness

I took a pumpkin bread over to my mother-in-law’s house Saturday morning and visited her awhile. My sister-in-law is with her most the time, but I felt like I should have been over there before and more often. Last week was hectic getting some things accomplished that needed to be taken care of around our home, but that is no excuse for not visiting her sooner. My mother-in-law will not be starting...

How Do We Support Our Caregiving Friend?

Dear Denise, I’m writing to you on behalf of my neighbors.  We have walked together in the mornings and have played euchre together for 18 years. Now one of these fabulous women is caring for her mother who is battling breast cancer.  The prognosis is not good and our friend has moved in with her mother in almost a hospice environment.  We want our friend to know we care about her and would like to put...

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Will You Be Tested?

Terry Moran of ABC’s “Nightline” created a two-part report which aired this week on his decision to have a genetic test to determine his chance of developing Alzheimer’s disease. In his report, he attends a fundraising event for Alzheimer’s, a Congressional hearing and then invites us to be with him when he learns the results of his test. It’s a terrific piece. We learn Newt...

No Suprise: Alzheimer’s Disease Costs

The Alzheimer’s Association released its 2009 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures this week. The report takes a closer look at the costs of Alzheimer’s–to our health care system and to our families. Some of the key findings include: Medicare beneficiaries with diabetes plus Alzheimer’s or another dementia had 64% more hospital stays than those with diabetes and no Alzheimer’s, and their...

Common Struggles and Confrontation

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend and fellow caregiver. She asked me to join her with a group of ladies she meets with about once a month. It was a nice break, and I appreciated the break. My caregiving friend has been a caregiver for her husband for many years. She is a real gem, and I find we can relate on so many levels. I hope there will be many more opportunities to interact. Among...

Balance

You may feel like caregiving is a balancing act–balancing caregiving with relationships, work, hobbies, and rest. You’re also balancing your past, present and future. For instance, does your past dictate how you act today? Meaning, because it didn’t work then, do you believe it won’t work now? Or, because you couldn’t do it then, are you convinced that you can’t do it now? Do you...

Do I Have the Energy?

Dear Denise, I have been taking care of my 74-year-old mother for almost a year now. She lived in Alabama all of her life and was lived with my sister for the last 3 years until she came to live with me and my husband here in Tampa, Florida. She has been through a lot the past few years, health wise. She had major back surgery in 1995 where they removed several inches of her ribs and then hip broke in 2001 and...

Looking for the Wonders

What will be my attitude today concerning my circumstances? It is raining and dreary out today. I enjoy the sunshine more. We, however, need the rain for the plants and grass to grow. So rain is good, and it is a blessing. I also have grown spiritually and emotionally through the “rain” and “storms” of my fight against breast cancer last year and through my present caregiving experience...

A Fall, a Song, and a Promise

This morning just as we were going to step out of our apartment to go to church my husband fell. He was hanging on to his walker and I think doing what he should be doing to be safe, but he fell. This does not happen really often, but it does happen occasionally. I find it unnerving whenever it does happen. So far my husband can pull himself up along the chair or couch or whatever. I don’t know what...

What Can I Do From Far Away?

Hello Denise, My sister (my only sibling) and her 20+ year live-in boyfriend (they purchased home together) have been taking care of our mother for the last 8 years or so. Our mother has Alzheimer’s and lives with them. My sister doesn’t work and they have done a remarkable job caring for Mother and I’m truly grateful and I have praised them endlessly for what they do. My sister has taken care of all the...

the responsibility of living

Living in DC, there is only one radio station: NPR. (Unless you like gospel, country & western, soul, r&b, religious talk or latin–and I don’t!) OK, so maybe there’s just no Top 40 or college radio where I am. OK–whatever! So–given that there is only one radio station–NPR, that’s all I listen to now. And that’s where I get all of my information these days....

learned helplessness

Yesterday my best friend from 8th grade came over and we had the most interesting conversation. She has 2 little girls with mental retardation, and so, though the specifics of caregiving are different, there are some areas of overlap too. She’s been at this caregiving gig a lot longer than me–her oldest is 16. Plus, she’s studied disability issues in depth and she works at a group home as a...

Sad and Angry

Today, I’m feeling sad and angry. My late brother, my only sibling who was 10 years my senior, would’ve been 57-years-old today. It’s hard for one to reflect on being 15 years “older” than his late sibling was when he died. And this was so much crap at work, and my mother whining on the phone about things last night which, in her defense, also had to do with her not feeling well which isn’t anybody’s...

Welcome to our Blog Party!

It’s a blog party, sponsored by 5minutesforMom.com, and we’re thrilled to be a spot on the party bus. A blog party reminds me a block party only better–you can leave your lawn chair and cooler of drinks at home. This party lasts a week, so we’ve got some special events planned to keep you fed and hydrated, including: Solitaire Showdown on Monday! Be sure to stop throughout the week....

Shifting of Roles

I went to the library today, and I checked out three more audio books for my husband. He really seems to be enjoying this outlet. Right now he is listening to one of these books. This book that he is listening to now is an autobiography about a man who suffered through MS. My husband’s disease is a different and I would say a worse neurological disease, but there is much in the book with which my...

Saint

Do you people call you a “saint” for all you do? Do they say, “You must be a saint”? Being compared to a saint can bring with it lots of pressure. Those are big shoes to fill, especially because it’s normal to have days that are full of un-saintlike thoughts, actions and words. That’s okay. More than a saint, you are a human. And, being human means you are blessed with...

Spring

When spring arrives, we open our windows to enjoy the fresh air and… clean. This spring-cleaning season, what needs your attention? Do you need to clean out the closet that stashes your guilt? The attic that holds your resentments? The containers that store your anger? Air out your closets, attic and containers. Let go of what holds you back–the guilt, the resentments, the anger. You don’t need...

Blessings

My son who lives close by us has off from work this week, so we had been invited for lunch this afternoon along with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I received a substitute teaching call today, however, so I couldn’t go for lunch at their house. I was a little “bummed out” by that, but everything turned out so beautifully in the end. First of all I had a very enjoyable day...