Dear Denise,
I have been taking care of my 74-year-old mother for almost a year now. She lived in Alabama all of her life and was lived with my sister for the last 3 years until she came to live with me and my husband here in Tampa, Florida. She has been through a lot the past few years, health wise. She had major back surgery in 1995 where they removed several inches of her ribs and then hip broke in 2001 and heart problems etc…. We also lost my father in the same year and another close friend around the same time. She stays depressed a lot, which is one of the problems that I face with her… Due to her health, she does not like to do much but sit in her easy chair and watch TV and cries and talks on the phone…. She is able to dress herself and walk to and from kitchen, bath, and most anywhere in house she wants… If we go out shopping, we have a wheelchair in the car since she cannot hold up to walk long distance.
I have the Lifeline Emergency Line setup at our home since my husband and I both work fulltime jobs. The problem now is if we leave the house to go out by ourselves to dinner or to a ballgame or even over to some friend’s house, she gets very upset and angry with me for leaving her alone. She wants me to feel guilty and so she screams at me when I return and I just do not know how to handle it anymore. She is not helpless; I try to get her out of the house as much as I can. She just does not want to do anything or go anywhere. I do not know what to do! I am 48-years-old and have been married for 6 years; I have Fibromyalgia and many allergies.
Besides trying to work a fulltime job, I am the only one that does anything in the house. I do all the cooking and cleaning and I take care of my mother’s medicine, keep her room clean (she is very messy), try to help bath which most of the time is a losing battle. My husband is an electrician and works a lot of hours and so when he gets home, it is not his place to do anything and it is not his mother (even though he doesn’t mind her living here) so he thinks…. Sometimes, it is hard giving enough attention to both my marriage and my mother. I am thinking maybe I should move my mother back to Alabama to an assisted living home to be near some friends and other family members. I even suggested it to her, but did not get a response. I know she likes living with me, but she wants me to cater to her and clean up after her. I love my mother dearly but I do not have the energy to keep up at this pace. I do not have anyone here that I can turn to for help or assistance.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Hello,
Thanks for your note; I’ll do my best to help.
First, it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job ensuring that your mother receives the help she needs. I’ve found that what often happens in a caregiving situation is that the family caregiver has so much success taking care of the physical needs that its seems the emotional needs can be cared for, too. Often, both the family caregiver and care recipient come to the same conclusion (however subconsciously): If the family caregiver can make good decisions, find good services, offer a good home, then why can’t the family caregiver make the care recipient happy?
The truth is you can’t make your mom happy. And, the reality is that you are not responsible for your mom’s happiness. You can set the stage for her contentment (offering social opportunities, pursuing treatment for her depression, ensuring she can keep in touch with other family members/friends) but you cannot be the one who makes her happy. Trying to do so only causes great frustration, for both of you.
Because it’s important that you spend time with your husband and on nurturing your marriage, it’s great that you and your husband take time away from the house. Your mom doesn’t have to like it, but whether or not she does should have no bearing on whether or not you go. As long as your mom is safe in the home and you have plans in place in case she needs you in an emergency, then go. You may try these words when communicating with your mom:
“Mom, we’re going out to dinner and a movie tonight. We’ll be home about 10 p.m. I’ll call you about 7:30 or so before the movie starts to make sure you’re okay. I’ll miss you while I’m gone. I love you!”
If she yells and screams, simply leave the room.
It might be helpful to have a social worker meet with you and your mom to create guidelines and boundaries for both of you. Your local Area Agency on Aging should have a social worker available to meet in such situations (you also could meet with the social worker on your own). For a referral to your local agency, call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116. The agency also can tell you about programs/services your mother may be qualified to receive that can lessen some of your caregiving load.
Our Caregiving Book Club read “Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children” by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane. The book club members really found it helpful and highly recommend it.
Because you never know what may happen, it’s a good idea to tour assisted living facilities not only in Alabama but near you, as well. You may find that you and your mom are okay as long as you stick to your boundaries. Or, you may decide that you both will enjoy your relationship if your mom lives in an assisted living facility. It’s always good to know which facilities are good so that you will make a good decision if/when the time arrives.
