Dear Denise,
I care for my mam; she has been a caregiver since her teens and has continued to care for the elderly, whilst bringing up six children. This means that she never acknowledges the fact that she needs help, always insisting she’ll be alright and doesn’t want to burden anyone, so much so that I’ve found out that she has lost most of her site, which was why she hasn’t been making herself a meal and living on biscuits and packaged desserts, until I come to visit. I have a constant feeling that whatever I do it’s not enough, I want so much more for mam, but I feel totally powerless, which in turn sends me into despair and I also feel ashamed that I haven’t spotted my mam’s need for help sooner, how long has she been suffering? I dread to think it’s not the caregiving that tires me out it’s the worry and seeing mam lose her independence. I know that she doesn’t see or want to see herself as the elderly people she used to nurse, preserving her dignity is as important as letting her know that she is loved, she has had little affection from what I can remember, but I know that she likes to be liked, but she shows little emotion, always putting up a front.
On top of her physical problems, she has been battling with depression since I was a baby, understanding depression is so difficult, she has goodish days and black days; it’s something which will never go away, that I do know.
–Feeling Powerless
Dear Powerless,
Oh, my, you are right: The guilt and worry can be exhausting!
A few things to keep in mind:
1. You are always doing your best. And, often, you are doing your best on limited information and resources. Once you knew the true nature of your mom’s circumstances, you stepped in to help. That’s important to remember. It’s impossible to know everything. Forgive yourself–you really and truly are doing your absolute best. And, that’s always the best you can do.
2. It’s tough to care for someone who seems to be emotionally unattached. Her wall, though, shouldn’t become yours. Share as much of your feelings as you feel comfortable. Know that it’s not about how your mom responds but about your effort and your gift of sharing. Your ability to be open and loving with your mom is a blessing.
3. We have some great ideas on activities to enjoy; visit the Support Center section for ideas. Keep your mom involved in your day and in the house’s routine (folding laundry, setting the table, suggesting menu ideas)–that’s one of the best way to preserve her independence.
4. Be sure that your mom’s depression is being treated effectively. A good doctor will help work to find the best treatments to help her.
Finally, surround yourself with a strong support system. A community support group, an online support group, trusted friends, and close family members can make up your support system. Journaling, gardening, and/or walking also are great support systems because they provide releases for that stress and worry.
Hope this helps!
Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Professional Caregiving Coach and Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.
If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
