Yesterday my best friend from 8th grade came over and we had the most interesting conversation. She has 2 little girls with mental retardation, and so, though the specifics of caregiving are different, there are some areas of overlap too. She’s been at this caregiving gig a lot longer than me–her oldest is 16. Plus, she’s studied disability issues in depth and she works at a group home as a professional caregiver.
So–she really knows her stuff.
Naturally, I was kvetching, as I do often on this website. Specifically, I was relating what happened last Tuesday, as I took my mom to a doctor’s appointment. Mom had decided she was no longer capable of getting ready by herself unless I was home to remind her it was time to begin getting ready and fetching her shoes, her purse and her coat, and sitting with her while she got ready and walking with her 50 feet to the car.
I was incredulous as I was relaying this story to my friend–thinking I just don’t understand this behavior. Mom is perfectly capable of knowing what time it is and standing up to get her shoes and coat. And she’s certainly capable of walking to the car. At the time, last Tuesday, I was SOOOOOOOO angry and disgusted, I could barely speak civilly and kindly to my mother. All I could say was chidingly, “Come on mom, you can do this!” and I waited in the car for her to ‘collect’ herself. She was PISSED. And so resentful that I didn’t just baby her.
I felt so many things simultaneously: RAGE, seething anger, confusion–recounting all the times she knows what time it is, trying to decide what I’m responsible for, what I can realistically hold her responsible for…thinking, “Has she really gotten that bad? Where have I been?” Mostly I felt guilt. Why couldn’t I be a nicer person and just help my mom in her time of need?
My friend looked at me knowingly and said…”Ah, yes. Learned helplessness.”
I had heard this expression before, but no one ever explained it to me like my friend. She said, there is no bottom. Meaning, there is no end to the depths of the helplessness that develops. People don’t stop themselves from decending. She predicted, if I didn’t take steps to change course, that, within a few months I’d be lifting my mother out of bed and doing all of her ADLs for her. YIKES!
She explained that like an alcoholic having a relapse, or a dieter cheating, this process was an unconscious and completely predictable process that happens to just about everyone who is dealing with a disability. And that often times, the learned helplessness is a much greater problem than the actual disability itself.
She said I actually did exactly the right thing: held my mom ABLE. By sitting in the car, and not accepting my mom’s claim of inability to help herself, I forced her into doing it, which, sometimes, is the only strategy that helps a person overcome this natural process. Who knew that this emotional ‘heavy-lifting’ was the true essence of caregiving?
She helped me to see that, contrary to me being evil and mean, setting a limit and an expectation for my mom’s ABILITY is a loving act that will help my mom in the long run on many levels: physical skills and also self-esteem-wise.
She gave me language to articulate what was happening: “Mom, I love and respect you too much to do the things you are capable of doing for yourself.” “Mom, I want you to be well for as long as possible, and that means stretching what you’re able to do.” “Mom, I want you to be able to live with us for as long as possible, and that means you have to do this for yourself.”
Suddenly, I went from this terrible, callous person in my own opinion, to being a loving and strong advocate for my mom’s abilities. Someone who was willing to be unpopular and suffer the wrath of my mom’s irritability, for the larger good of her wellness and continual improvement. HEY! I’m all about improvement and advocacy. How AWESOME that my natural inclination was the right response! Maybe I CAN do this after all.
Then, my friend and I talked about how insidious learned helplessness is. How, over many years and many experiences, if people around you enable you and don’t expect much from you, you learn to expect less from yourself, which becomes a self-fulfilling belief about your inherent capabilities.
Suddenly, I could see that the first 7 months of my mom living with me was an inconsistent mix of me occasionally holding my mom ABLE and not buying into her self-concept, and mostly doing things for her because it was just faster and easier. After all, I have been severely sleep deprived with my new baby, and swamped with just having moved cross-country and adjusting to all the changes.
But, when I realized, mom’s learned helplessness has developed over a span of a much larger time, I recognize, I have been an advocate for her. I have held her ‘able.’ I have expected more from her, than she possibly has expected from herself in a positive and supportive way.
I also can look back and recognize that a lot of my issues and irritation with my family of origin has a lot to do with this culture of accepting and nurturing ‘learned helplessness’ in certain members of my family. Especially in my relationship with my mom. I have been able to mentally review my family of origin from this lens, and even see some areas in myself where I have caved-in to its destructive effects.
I’m able to see that rather than me just having tons of ANGER, and resentment that would be unfounded if it didn’t have source, it becomes legitimate and logical. I can see so much that the people in my family who were caught up in indulging in helplessness and powerlessness naturally thought I was callous and whatever for striving for more, developing boundaries, and making myself into someone I respected and could be happy with–the very essence of having HOPE for the future.
So–now I am hopeful and reenergized about this caregiving stint. I have experience with turning the Titanic, so to speak. I know how to take small steps towards large goals, and I’m comfortable and excited about the process.
Before talking to my friend, I was at such a loss as to how to deal with this situation with my mother. I was in somewhat of a ‘learned helplessness’ fatalistic, powerless mode of accepting the terms of the situation. Now, I know, I have an active, positive role I can take—AND, my mom can strengthen her dignity, spirit and self-esteem in the procdess. (We both can!)
My friend was able to articulate some very personal things about being ‘different’ than other people, and the effects of having parents that don’t expect much from you. And I realized–how surrounded and entrenched my mom is in this thinking. I realized, what a gift she has given me in deliberately raising me to feel very empowered, and what a gift the circumstances provided: with my dad being a HORSES ASS, and my mom being pre-occupied, I’ve often felt I didn’t have much support to fall back on if my life did fall apart. Consequently, I have had MASSIVE amounts of external motivation to create a wonderful life for myself. Motivation that wouldn’t have existed if my parents had been able to be more available and supportive.
So–a simple conversation with a good friend who was sharing knowledge that she knows very deeply helped me resolve what feels like an 8 million pound ‘psychological’ weight that I’d been carrying around for years.
For years, I have bought into my family’s definition of me that I am callous, uncaring, and mean (again, if you knew the things they felt comforable saying out loud, you would think you’re on the Jerry Springer show), and it has really really hindered me in my career achievement and relationships. I have been so AFRAID, of having VERBAL diarrhea, a living up to their definition of me that I have massively overcompensated by being ‘nice’ and shrinking myself and holding myself back in a futile attempt for their love and acceptance. My friend shows me BOLDLY that she’s fully willing to be a full-on #$%^ when the situation requires and if its in the cause of advocating and holding her children able. It’s a strong act of kindness and love.
I’ve long known that I’ve been ‘lobotomized’ into this safe sanitized version of myself. I now know that I can trust myself fully—to have good judgment, to do what I believe in, to fight the good fight for what I passionately believe in–unapologetically.
And, all this from a simple conversation. Thank you C_____!
Ah, ask and you shall receive!! You were asking for help and look at the terrific answer you received! She showed you on how manage the situation in a way that empows you and your mom. Hurray!! And, others don’t tell us who we are. We tell them–through our decisions, actions, words. We decide who we are. !!! I’m anxious for more…