The last few days have given me a chance to unwind, refocus on my goals, and to get a little bit of bigger-picture insight into my mom caregiver role. Friday evening, I dined out with a high school-era friend and current education work colleage, whose family is going through this, too: his 92-year-old dad is still alive, but the mom has Alzheimer’s and needs 24/7 home care. We traded stories. I realiced that in addition to my not having been able to really focus on my own grieving for my dad’s passing in 2005 — because it seems always to be about trying to comfort mom over her losing him as her longtime husband — my friend has it just as bad in another way…he has to “mourn” him mom for what and who she was, since she’s physically still alive but cut off from recognizing and communicating with him, her other children, and her husband.. I came away feeling not so alone — and supported too.
I had some work-related stuff to do on my home computer over the weekend — but I demanded of myself that I made time for the gym on Saturday and to go out for some music and time with friends Saturday night. This Monday p.m., I took a half-vacation day and spent more time than usual with my mom…when I’m not rushed, how easier and more enjoyable it is to relate with her, not feeling pressured by my work hours and late-night commuting home. I’m following some of all your advice on the site, and when my mom dug up some really beautiful old birthday and holiday cards she’d saved over the years from me, my late brother, and my dad, I engaged her purposely in telling me some fun stories, describing to me about her and my dad’s parents — and even asking what she had to eat at her wedding, which she enjoyable shared was a “low-key” affair of sandwiches, sodas and beer, and dancing and laughing with her nearest and best, in November 1947! She admitted enjoying being engaged this way into talking about her memories. It made her feel like a whole person again for a while — and not just a grieving and often lonely widow.
My colitis is acting up today, with our raw cool weather though. I’m relaxing with some peppermint tea — and I’ve earned it. I hope you all have a great day tomorrow with at least one comforting or happy thing that touches you and your caregiven in such a way that it makes each and every one of your respective day. 
Have a great night! Gary in Boston
Gary,
I am so glad you had a relaxing day with your Mom sharing stories that would be forgotten and lost if not shared. I’m glad you had some personal time too. That is so important.
I love reading your posts for the perspectives and insights you gain and then tell us about. It helps me keep my perspective. How wonderful that you and your mom shared some special time together. You done good. !! Hope you are feeling well today.
Thanks. I’m trying. I wanted also to follow the advice that you guyz all share here. I want to help my mom not lose track of all the great memories and experiences that she DID have, besides the things that went sad or wrong. She lights up and becomes a completely different person when she tells her stories: growing up in the mostly Italian neighborhood of East Boston in the 1930s, my mom’s holiday and fun stories are all about good times and Thanksgivings and Christmases that sound out of Dickens. (Mom always made the holidays be like that around our house.) Plus it helps me to renavigate her away from always talking about the negative and the grief. …I want her to try to remember that she was Dotty before she was Russell’s wife, to not lose sight of the fact that she was an individual who had happiness before she married my dad, too. I appreciate your support, and I hope your day today has special moments too! Gary