In the last few days (weeks?) I’ve thought a lot about the idea of learned helplessness, and it’s cousin—secondary gain [the side benefits people derive from their illnesses like attention, catering, and a reason to not have to take responsibility].
And, I’m repulsed.
I’m repulsed to recognize these qualities in myself in past situations – mostly career things — and repulsed to recognize them in my mother and my other family members.
I realize, this is the difficulty of caregiving. Negotiating and navigating these treacherous emotional waters. Do I make my mother a sandwich—or bear the brunt of her calling me a bully and saying I just don’t understand what it’s like to be her? Do I walk downstairs to bring her ice when her Pulmonologist says clearly the more exercise she can get the better for her?
Do I ‘force’ her to bathe by suggesting she might live more comfortably or healthier in a facility if she’s not willing to maintain the most basic levels of personal hygiene?
I know there are probably delicate and diplomatic ways of phrasing these things to help her maintain her dignity and not cause needless conflict. In my years as a sales person, many people remarked at my ability to phrase things in diplomatic ways that allowed them to make their own decisions with my guidance and support.
With mom, it’s a lot harder. I am so angry that we’re in this situation in the first place. She smoked and drank and ignored consequences facing her at the time—thus our ending up here. I want to say, “Mom, not only should I not have to make you this sandwich, but, moreso, you are wholly unable to help me in any kind of real way—like babysitting, or grandparenting. So, I don’t want to talk about how hard it is to be you. That’s something you should have thought about when you were stuffing cigarettes in your face. I am tired of your singular focus on yourself, completely oblivious to my situation and responsibilities.”
It’s a constant stream of decisions—do I confront her on a, b, c and suffer what I would consider her meanness and irritation—for her greater good? Or, do I give myself a break and say at least I’m providing a shelter, housekeeping, laundry, and food and she’s on her own with the rest?
I didn’t expect to have to ‘parent’ my mother. It’s repulsive to watch her sense of entitlement to being catered to and what seems like her guilty pleasure in suffering and talking endlessly of her terrible life.
Some days I’ve got more emotional energy to rise to the challenge. Other days, like today, I’d prefer to hide under a rock…
It must feel like you are being held hostage by your mom’s choices. How awful! I think it’s important to remember you do have choices. In these situations that you mention, what choice makes you proud of you?
Tara-
Thank you so much for sharing your insights and raw emotions regarding your mother. Ninety percent of what you said applies to the situation with my mother and you said it so well. While I don’t enjoy other people going through this sort of misery, on a certain level, it feels good not to be alone in this regard.
I can not believe how much I can relate to Tara. I just want to say Thank You for sharing.