When I’m in a good mood, it’s amazing how many others feel as grateful and happy as me.
When I’m in foul mood, it’s disturbing how many feel as crappy and mean as me. All these crabby and mean people have it in for me, too. I just know it.
Coincidence?
I don’t think so.
Consider your caregiving relationship. Your care recipient takes a loooooooong time for what-was-once a simple task, like putting on shoes or brushing teeth. The longer it takes, the more you feel frustrated. You find yourself thinking, “We have to go!! We have to go!!” And, then you watch as your care recipient becomes frustrated with the shoe laces or the toothpaste, slowing the process even more. Then, before you know it, your thoughts become words, which become hurt feelings.
A family caregiver once voiced her frustration at how long it took her mom to get ready. The slow pace became a thorn in her side. Until one day she decided to sit and relax as her mom readied. Those moments when she relaxed became moments she looked forward to because it wasn’t often that she could do just that—sit and relax.
When she once mirrored frustration, she now mirrored relaxation. Both she and her mother benefitted.
I often wonder what’s in my mirror when I’m plagued by self-doubt or self-judgment. You know how that feels: You feel the self-doubt when you find yourself in a new situation with little expertise and you have to do it right, right now. Or, you feel the self-judgment when your care recipient seems to favor another, even though you do so much. In those situations, it’s hard not to think: I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy enough.
I can’t see what the mirror reflects, but I know what happens when I feel not good enough or not worthy enough. Somehow, evidence presents itself that these two thoughts are true, even when they are not.
When I think the opposite–I am good enough, I am worthy–then I get back just that: Love (good) and abundance (worth). (The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan has a great story about worth.)
So, how can you change your mirror’s reflection? Five tips to help you reflect the best you:
1. Find the trigger, then focus on the solution. For instance, when you feel frustration, consider the cause. Are you doing something you don’t want to do? Consider who else can complete the task. Are you overwhelmed by how much you have to do? Delegate to others: family, friends, professionals, your care recipient. Are you just too tired to complete a task? Take a break.
2. Pay attention to your thoughts. What do you tell yourself? If it’s a negative, how can you turn it into a positive? For instance, before I know it, I can tell myself, “He loves everyone else more than he loves you.” What a horrible, and completely untrue, thought! Instead, I say: “I believe.” That’s it. And, that does it.
3. Consider your environment. Do your families and friends sound like Johnny Raincloud (“Nothing will ever work out. We’re doomed.”) Be sure to surround yourself with a positive support system. Positive spreads and builds; negative conquers and destroys.
4. Be gentle with yourself. Floundering? Ask for help. Grieving? Make room for the tears. Spinning your wheels? Stop and regroup. The only mistake you can make is the mistake in believing you are alone. We’re here.
5. Focus on your positives. You have so many gifts and talents, but caregiving can hide them. You are a kind and loving person, it’s just that caregiving can cover it. Dust off your positives on a regular basis; take your gifts and talents out of the closet. You are meant to be full, even when the struggles take precedence.
When you find yourself in another tug-of-war with your care recipient or, even worse, with yourself, take a moment to consider what’s in your mirror. Leave the bad in the back; follow the good to the front.
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Denise,
In the course of taking care of my mother for over 5 years I learned a lot about patience and tolerance. Towards the end of that period it would frequently take an hour just to feed her a bowl of soup.
I had to come to terms with the fact I had no control over the pace of things. So I had to learn to ‘accept’ the reality of her abilities.
Once I accepted that, I relaxed and it made it easier. I sure she was trying her best. We’d finish when we finished. Everything else could wait. It had to.
Once I gave up control and trying to impose my expectations and rush through it, it got easier for me. And I think it probably made it easier for her too. I don’t think I ever looked forward to it but at least I could be ‘OK’ with it.
Paul Nadrowski’s last blog post..Holding on to suffering: the Martyr Syndrome – Part 2
Hi Paul,
Oh, what a great perspective: “I sure she was trying her best. We’d finish when we finished. Everything else could wait. It had to.” It is so much better for us when we believe everyone, especially our care recipients, are doing their very best. I love your blog post about being a martyr, especially how you use the phrase, “Take a leak.” Made me laugh, but also made me what to take action.
Nice post
This was a really nice post. I feel overwhelmed so regularly since I’ve been my mom’s main contact for everything — financially, emotionally, healthcare-wise, and what-not — that sometimes I actually feel like I’m going to burst apart in a thousand pieces like a too-inflated balloon that eventually just bursts. As I write this, I’m listening to my mom’s voicemail messages. See, before my mom became a widow who lost her first-ever-boyfriend husband of 58 years to whom she was emotionally joined at the hip, when dad died in 2005, she was always a very anxiety-ridden and emotionally needy person — and all that dependence now focused onto me is so hard to receive and not be able to walk away from very spontaneously.. So I have grown, despite this, into understanding and knowing the gift of appreciating “Gary time.”
The “littlest things” that might not seem so exotic to some who aren’t caregivers like us, have become wonderful emotional oases to me… I get my coffeemaker all set up before bedtime each night now, so in the morning I can have some quiet time to log onto my computer and check mails, bills, the news, or the ‘Net including this site; ditto at home at night, before long-brewing my peppermint tea and then settling into bed to read for some time before zoning out — I try to get myself to get in there at a decent time, because I’ve found the good night’s sleep, and a catnap grabbed wherever possible during the days, are some of the greatest health and energy boosters that we can give ourselves; journal writing — I get my feelings out, and even the working of my keys on my battered keyboard feels like frustrated energy is being released…I even got back into the “apple a day” thing — have you tried taking big bites into a nice, sweet, juicy Delicious (w/ 4 bumps on bottom) apple?? I’m telling you, it’s like a wonderful exercise in stress release!
One of the best things I did recently was to have begun connecting semi-regularly with a therapist who happens to be about my age and who’s very warm and not stodgey…I feel I’m not so alone now. This site and all of you help me with that, too. In fact, listening to my mom’s anxiety-ridden, repetitive voicemails while typing somehow made absorbing what she was saying not as jarring — because I was able better to contextualize it as just a little mental square that just makes up only one piece of the puzzle of my life — I just need to see my caregiving as one little area in the “garden” that needs a lot of “watering” — but, not forget that the rest of my garden needs to be regularly taken care of, weeded and watered all the time, too! Or else, it will literally wither away and die emotionally. …Then what good will that do for the health and care of the part that’s left there??
I wanted to add that I was reading a book about Lucille Ball, and some of you might have read and noted this too, where Robert Osborne said she had this great little way of seeing life…especially during difficult times such as just before she divorced Desi Arnaz, and she was vice president of Desilu Studios, and right before her Lucy Ricardo years were coming to a close..he said that Lucy saw her daily life as a bureau of drawers; and each morning, she would open up one draw having to do with taking care of her family, then close it and open up another one dealing with her work, then her commitments and her meetings, and so on. Sometimes, to do good emotional filing, we need to make sure that we keep certain responsibilities, feelings, and “junk” separate and well-ordered in one drawer so it won’t get lost or screwed up with other areas of our lives — and always remember to open up those other drawers to focus on them, and close them back up once again, when “we” feel it’s the “right” time to “open and close” them, each and every day. And I’ve stuck with admiring and remembering that.
To all who celebrate it, a best upcoming Easter holiday as possible for you — and a well-deserved weekend as much as possible to us all!
Gary