How Do I Not Take This Personally?

Dear Denise,

I am writing you because I don’t know where to go with this.  My mom has the beginning of Alz. She drives me crazy with such nastiness.  I don’t know what to do.  I have been so stressed with this and usually back away.  She is so kind to her friends, aide and her son.

I know that I shouldn’t take this personal, but I internalize my feelings and it’s killing me inside.

Please help.

Hello,

Ah, we always hurt the ones we love. And, when we’re hurting because we’re not feeling well or feeling like “ourselves,” we really hurt the ones we love. And, so it is with your mom.

Some suggestions:

1. Learn as much as you can about the disease process. The Alzheimer’s Association and the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America (AFA) can be terrific resources for you. On difficult days, you can call a social worker at AFA; the website features the toll-free number.

2. Think of a game plan that will work during those difficult days. It’s good to realize your mother’s behavior is part of how she’s coping with the scary changes and that’s it not really about you. BUT, it’s just hard not to take it personally. When you find yourself wearing down and taking the situation personally, what would you like to do? For instance, where can you go for a few minutes? Who can you talk to? This article may help you: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/04/7-traits-of-a-hope-full-family-caregiver/

3. Consider joining a support group in your community. The Alzheimer’s Association and AFA can share information about groups. It does help to meet with others who understand.

4. Start two journals–one about your mom and one just for you. In the journal about your mom, document her triggers–situations and environments that seem to cause your mom an upset. What can you change to avoid these situations? What can you adjust in the environment to ease your mom’s stress? As your mom’s disease progresses, you’ll use this journal to document your care routine (see here for more details: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/01/document-the-routine/). In your journal, let it out–this is for your eyes only, so vent, scream, cry. We’ll be posting journal-writing prompts on the site starting on April 22 so be sure to check back.

5. Have you had a chance to take our survey? To thank you for completing our survey, we’ll enroll you in a free, four-week MasterMind group. It’s a great way to learn some coping techniques and meet other family caregivers. You also can write your Caregiving Mission Statement to help give guidance and direction to your role as family caregiver. You’ll find more information here: http://www.caregiving.com/learn/mission-statement/. The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey, may also offer helpful insights. You can read through the six stages starting here: http://www.caregiving.com/the-caregiving-years/

Finally, these books may be helpful to you: “Alzheimer’s Early Stages: First Steps for Family, Friends and Caregivers,” “The 36-Hour Day” and “A Dignified Life: The Best Friends Approach to Alzheimer’s Care, A Guide for Family Caregivers.” You can purchase these books in our store: http://www.caregiving.com/store.html. In addition, this site, http://www.alzstore.com, has terrific products that will be helpful to you in the future.

Hope this helps.

Related Articles

• 10 Things You Should Know About Alzheimer’s Disease (health.usnews.com)
• Advances for Alzheimer’s, Outside the Lab (time.com)
• Alzheimer’s patients’ costs triple that of other elderly (ctv.ca)
• Improving life one story at a time (mayoclinic.com)
• Many Alzheimer’s Caregivers Admit to Abusive Behavior (nlm.nih.gov)

Tags: alzheimer's, bad days