She Won’t Help Herself

Denise,

This is the first time for me to “write-in” to ANYONE, for advice. But, when I was searching for “caring for aging”, I came across your site and decided to ask you for some advice.

I have been “caring” for my mother-in-law for the past few months. Mostly, I drive her and go in with her, to her doctor’s visits, (in which I usually ask the doctor lots of questions), and I recently was helping my sister-in-law care for mamma after her surgery, which was a 24/7 kind of help., and I help out with household chores.

Anyway, I am starting to become really agitated, because when I TRY to let her know what she needs to eat, (she’s borderline diabetic) to exercise everyday, (she has a list of what to do from a PT and I have done them with her, when I can), to move around more, (not just lay around, or sit around all day long), and trying to convince her, she doesn’t need ALL the anti-anxiety pills that she’s taking. Even her doctor mentioned to her, she is probably “unbalanced”, and can’t walk very steady, because she is like “in a drunken state” all day long. BUT, SHE DOESN’T LISTEN.

Personally, I think she is “addicted” to the drugs, and doesn’t really know what she’s doing sometimes. I get SO FRUSTRATED, when I hear that she tells other members of the family, that she “doesn’t FEEL like exercising, so I’m not going to do it”, “I can eat whatever I want”, “I’m going to keep taking my pills because I NEED them, and no one is going to tell me any different”, etc. etc. etc.

I am at my wit’s end at trying to help her. I am ready to throw in the towel. Do I just “give-up” and let her do EXACTLY what she wants to?? Or, do I continue to try to PUSH HER, to do what I know will help her??

Hello,

Thanks for writing; I will do my best to help.

First, and most important, it is wonderful that you have taken on the responsibility of helping. And, that’s a responsibility that’s hard to take on. So, kudos to you!

I think the toughest scenario for any family member in the role of caring and helping is when the care recipient makes decisions that just seem to be the unhealthiest ones possible. When care recipients could make decisions about their health and well-being that would positively impact their health and well-being and then don’t… Ugh, that is, absolutely, without a doubt, aggravating.

When my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer, he made some decisions that just baffled me. He wouldn’t consider a second opinion; he wouldn’t read information about his diagnosis. I finally figured out that what helped me help him most was to determine my role and then stick with it. My role was to learn about his diagnosis, share the information and then let him make his decision about his treatments. I felt it important that he knew what I knew, but then I let it go. Whatever his decisions, I was there to support him.

My suggestion would be to have a conversation with your mother-in-law about her health and your role in maintaining her health. Listen to what she says (and what she doesn’t say) with as much as an objective position as possible. Let her know that you want to be on her team, that you love her and want her to be healthy. Work toward a commitment that you both will work together as a team, discussing and sharing information.

My biggest worry, however, is that your mother-in-law seems to be overmedicated and although the doctor is aware of this, he has not taken steps to correct this problem. She may not feel like exercising because the drugs are just too potent. She may not feel like eating right because the drugs leave her in too much of a daze. Certainly, being in a drunken state is not conducive to making good decisions.

It seems that she won’t be able to make good decisions until she’s in a state (i.e., when her system is free of too many medications) that allows for good decisions.

Take her medications to the pharmacy for a review. The pharmacist can determine which medications are prescribed for what reason, which may create certain side effects and which may interact negatively with others.

Once you have information from the pharmacist about the prescriptions, my suggestion would be to schedule another appointment with the doctor for you and your mother-in-law. Talk to the doctor about your concerns and ask what can be done. If the doctor won’t help, my suggestion would be to find another one.

Many family caregivers find it helpful to work with a geriatrician (a physician specializing in caring for older adults). You can get referrals to geriatricians in your community by visiting this page: http://doctorrelation.com/searchdocs/docshowstates.php?cat=119

You also can check with your area hospitals to see if any have a geriatric assessment center. The staff at the center can review her prescriptions, help determine which medications are appropriate, which are not, and create an effective plan of care for your mother-in-law. The staff will include a geriatrician, as well as social workers and nurses who specialize in the care of older adults.

Hope this helps!

Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving! newsletter, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

Tags: conflict, Help