I haven’t telephoned with my mom in a couple of days. Not because I’m a bad son or person, or selfish — but I’m sick a lot, too. Abdominal adhesion flare-ups, besides IBS and colitis, continue to be a chronic, very painful and disruptive health problem for me that wreaks havoc on and interrupts my life and sanity very often. It often seems that just when I’m getting things together, making positive strides forward, it’s the “one baby step forward, two giant steps back” syndrome.. The adhesion’s aren’t “in my head” — literally, they are around my intestines. Stress or diet do not cause them: scar tissue begats scar tissue. So I have to live with it. A cousin was telling me about her interest in the Art Bell sci-fi guy and alien abduction stories..well, I believe in that stuff but never would want to experience it (and don’t feel I have): but I’ll tell you, I know how the experiencers must feel.. You get on with your life, and then, SLAM…an attack comes on and you feel yourself saying/thinking, “Oh, no, not AGAIN!!” It’s feeling not in control of your life, not wishing to make let alone go through with new plans or goals.
Add that to being a caregiver — the pressure is too immense to describe. My mom will think something’s wrong, or they’ll be something overwildly making her anxious — and she won’t hear for me for these couple of days that I need to be as alone, stress-free and meditative as possible.. And then it becomes my problem, my responsibility to let her vent her relief while I suffer from and for it. My mom does not know how to end a telephone conversation or a visit. She wants to go on and on and on and on… When I feel unwell like this weekend, I want to avoid her being morose and sad and anxious communicating with me as MUCH as possible. I’ve learned I need to stand up for myself.. I have nobody else — I’m the sole caregiver. I can ask cousins and friends, but it isn’t always easy.. They don’t have to….I do. This is some vicious cycle of pain and worry. Meanwhile, mom’s got her LifeLine, her car, and her telephone. She carries on and does have her problems: but my mom is emotionally, underneath it all, really a very strong person at even 80 — I remind myself not to be fooled — she could take on the President if she had to! I need to take care of ME, if I am going to care also for her..
OOHHH, I hope you feel better soon! I can only imagine what your flare-ups must feel like. How awful! I must tell you that reading about your want to be alone when you feel poorly and only worry about yourself… It’s a relief to read that someone else feels that way sometimes, too. You’ve hit on an important point: “I need to stand up for myself.” That’s so true! We talk about the importance of being an advocate for a care recipient, but it’s just as important to advocate for yourself, too. Your health must be a priority. Wishing you a speedy recovery…
I hope you feel better soon! So sorry you are having these problems.