(We’re continuing to share past columns of Ask Denise; today’s column originally appeared on August 2, 2005. Do you have a question for Denise? Feel free to email her.)
Dear Denise,
I have been sole family caregiver to my wife since she suffered a stroke six years ago. She is 84 and I am 87. She needs care in personal things i.e., dressing, bathing, diapering, etc. She is dependent on me for doctor’s apts., scheduling, driving, financial matters, entertainment, etc. I have three part-time aides who average 3-4 hours a day, six days of the week (15% of the week). I am “on duty” the other 85%.
At the moment I am self diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, caregiver burnout, and moderate depression. My wife has two grown children in their 50s and 60s. They each visit us two to three times a year and stay for usually three to four days. They live far away. Neither of them knows the meaning of family caregiving, though I have tried to make them understand that I need help.
Elinor is a daughter 60 years old plus. Some weeks ago I asked her to come down to Florida for a week in August to relieve me so I could get time away to visit my family and recharge my batteries. After a few days she responded that she had planned on an October visit and could not accommodate me.
I asked the same thing of her brother who is coming for 5 days end of this month. I have never asked him for financial assistance though he is morally obligated to me as I put him on the road to a successful business career and paid him out of my pocket for a year and now he could well afford to at least offer to help me take care of his mother.
Children today do not have the same sense of obligations to their parents, as our generation did.
I believe they will let me carry the complete burden until I collapse, become ill or die. They phone several times a week. That is the extent of their caregiving responsabilities. What would you suggest that would make them aware of their family obligations to their mother?
Hello,
Ah, I’m sorry that your requests have not been met! I’m not sure if that’s anything more depressing and upsetting than asking for help–and then being turned down. And, your requests for help are so important!
I wish that your situation were different, that your wife’s children would understand how important their help is, not only to you, but to your wife, as well. It’s hard to know the reasons some family members can’t be involved. Fear of a situation that’s different? Worry that they won’t know what to do?
Since you have asked for help and they’ve indicated that they can’t, my best suggestion would be to move on and find other sources of help. Moving on can be difficult, but it often is best for your own emotional health. And, when your wife’s children do come for visits, be sure to thank them (no matter how hard it is to get those words out).
Something that I’ve learned over time (lots of time, quite honestly) is that I’m much better off if I believe that people, in their own way, are doing their best. If I concentrate on how much they’re not doing the right thing, then I end up just making myself nuts. They go on and live their lives, while I live my life stewing and cursing them. It’s just not worth it.
Because you deserve help, investigate other resources in your community.
If you haven’t already done so, contact your local Area Agency on Aging (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral) as well as your local chapter of the Stroke Association (call 1-800-STROKES for a referral).
In addition, would you like to join our support group? You can learn about our groups and how to join here.
Hope this helps!
