(Editor’s Note: Once in awhile, we’ll rerun a past column of “Ask Denise.” This column was originally published August 27, 2005.)
Dear Denise,
I need some help. My mother is 88 and she moved to WA from CT when she was 79. She was supposed to live in her own place but when she got her it was obvious she couldn’t live alone. So we bought a house together and am her primary care giver. I am single and don’t have any one to help out. I take care of her and all her personal needs and take care of our home and yard and work 40 hours a week. Most of the time it’s okay. I can never get away with my friends for very long because I have to be here to make her evening meal and clean up after her. She takes care of her self but not that well and she always smells of urine and BenGay. She is a slob and leaves every mess she makes for me to clean up. I don’t even want some of my friends to come here because she either smells or has a mess around her. Then she thinks everyone came to visit her and dominates conversations. I never know what kind of mess will be in the kitchen or bathroom when I get home from work after doing the shopping. Before I can start anything I have to clean up. Sometimes my days don’t end until 9:00 and that doesn’t leave me much time for myself. I never have the time or energy left to take care of my own space after taking care of hers and the common areas.
For years I have been replacing her phones and lamps and it is getting expensive. I don’t know why she breaks them. Tonight she complained about her phone again. Sure enough it doesn’t work. I had to find another phone to set up for her but her station where she sits is such a mess, in order to make room and hook up the new phone I had to clean everything up and instead I just had a melt down and started tossing stuff on the floor and complaining to her that she is a slob and never cleans anything up. She sits there all day long doing nothing but watching TV and knitting. She is capable of keeping her area cleaned up and tidy. But she doesn’t and doesn’t care.
We can’t afford to hire a housekeeper. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can usually handle it pretty well but I don’t want to have stress meltdown and tantrums and make her feel bad and make myself feel guilty for not being nice to her. This happens a couple times a year. I don’t want her to feel like a burden but she is and she knows it. I love my mother but I never thought I would have to live with her again. She has always been a slob but now I provide a nice home for her and treat her well. She’s never lived in this nice a home. I take care of everything for her. She doesn’t have to worry about anything except now that I have melted down in front of her she has to worry about being a burden again. There is nothing wrong with her mind and she just as arthritis and a little trouble getting around. She lets herself lose whatever function she has just because she is too lazy to try harder. How can I keep myself from getting so frustrated and stressed? I already tried antidepressants and that didn’t help.
Hello,
Ah, I’m sorry about your situation! I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting this is for you: You work hard to make a nice home for you and your mom and it just seems to get you more work. And, even though you are managing very well, you are doing A LOT. It’s understandable that you’d lose your temper with your mom. The hard part, though, is the guilt that comes after the melt down.
Losing your patience with your mom twice a year doesn’t in any way diminish your love for her. It just makes you human. It’s also a signal to you that you may have reached your max.
Minimizing your frustration and stress means trying to find healthy ways to vent as well as exploring options for help from the community. And, you also can try another anti-depressant; sometimes it does take time to find the right one.
A few additional suggestions:
1. It is really hard to manage all that you’re doing. Consider joining one of our online support groups; the members empathize and sympathize. And, it is so nice to have a place to let you it all out (!!) without worries of hurting anyone’s feelings. Members of the group understand the bad days, as well as the venting that goes hand-in-hand with those bad days. You can learn about our groups here: http://www.caregiving.com/get-support/
If joining a group just doesn’t seem to be right for you, then look for other ways to vent about your situation. The anger and frustration are a normal part of the experience, even though they seem so be such “abnormal” emotions. Consider writing in a journal, or gardening, or taking walks.
2. I wonder about your mom’s emotional well-being. Call your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral) and ask to speak with the caregiver specialist (AAA have received federal funding to help family members who are in a caregiving role, just like you). Ask the specialist for a referral to a geriatric assessment center in your area. The centers are often affiliated with a hospital and specialize in the care of older adults. Having your mom undergo a complete physical may uncover some hidden (and untreated) illnesses. If it doesn’t seem that your community has a geriatric assessment center, then ask the caregiver specialist for referrals to geriatricians in your community who can give your mom a thorough exam.
3. As you speak with the caregiver specialist, also ask about programs and services that can help you. The agency has funding for respite programs, services that take your place so you can get a regular break.
4. Your mom also may qualify to receive services that you may not be aware of. Go to this site to search: http://www.benefitscheckup.org
5. Your mom also may be a good candidate for an adult day program; she could attend a day center which provides meals, socialization, and structure for her while you’re at work. Ask the caregiver specialist about adult day programs in your community, as well.
6. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or Work/Life benefit provider, then contact them to find out about help for yourself.
7. My last suggestion would be to investigate other housing options for your mom in the community–even if alternatives are not an option right now. It’s always good to know what’s available, just in case. And, if you do begin to consider alternative housing for your mom, know that the decision you make will have the best interest of you and your mom. Often, family caregivers determine that the best home for an aging relative is an assisted living facility or something similar. Facilities have the staffing, activities and socialization that many older adults need. And, living apart often times becomes the best way to enjoy the relationship with an aging relative again.
I hope my suggestions help. You’re doing amazingly well under really difficult circumstances. Let me know what happens.
Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.
If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
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