Can I Have a Life with No Regrets?

What would it be like to live with no regrets?

When I first thought of this, it seemed like the answer was the same as the answer to the question, “What is possible in my relationship with my mother?”

…A transactional relationship, with me setting limits if I’m attacked, demonstrating emotional restraint and responsibility, and providing nothing to react to. And giving the rest to God to get back a ton of energy and time in my day.

That seemed like a future of no regrets.

What about past regrets?

I have a lot of conflicted feelings about the past. How much did I contribute to the negativity and disconnection? How much was my behavior JUST LIKE the behavior I am saying is unacceptable from my mother? Am I the SOURCE of all of this? Do I provoke attacks? Is it really not so bad? Am I making too much of all of this? Isn’t my mom the real victim? My life is good, so I shouldn’t think I need protection or love or anything more than my mother gives me.

Why is this issue on my mind constantly? Am I completely off the rails in ruminating and dissecting every play by play? Is there a better way to respond to my mother? Is there a way to connect that I’m just not seeing?

Am I the only one who has this experience? Are there other ways that parents interact with their children? (Obviously YES, my husband’s relationship to his parents and family is like night and day compared to mine with my family’s) How do I transform this into something I WOULD want to participate in? Can I be the one to initiate and catalyze a change? Where are MY people?

I literally drive myself batty thinking about this SINGULAR issue. It’s a wonder I get anything else done. It has been this way for the better part of my adult life. The proximity to unpredictable attacks in my home has intensified the issue and brought it into focus. I can no longer distract myself and run away.

What would it be like to live with no regrets?

I am going a bit out of order here with how my actual process unfolded, but the experience was so much of tons of thoughts in every direction, that it seems impossible to proceed in chronological order.

One thing I realized early on in my coaching with Denise was that I needed additional information if I was going to be better at setting boundaries and protecting myself from attacks.

I remembered that book I read earlier in the year by Lundy Bankroft called “Why Does He DO That?” and remembered that so much of what Mr. Bankroft said about abusive men like my father seemed to also apply to my mother. What if my mom WAS verbally abusive, as I have suspected all along?

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