My mom is verbally abusive, according to the descriptions offered by these 5 professionals. Reading these books feels like someone gave me the keys to a very difficult puzzle. Like I could have spared myself YEARS of anguish and failure if someone had let me in on ‘the secret’ in my early 20s. I guess I should be grateful to have the information on how to handle these situations, instead of continuing to struggle, setting myself up for abuse and attacks.
Wow, my little old mom, who seems so pathetic and out of control, is doing DELIBERATELY aggressive, manipulative things to me, on purpose? Wait, no. Really? That would suggest she has awareness and self-control. Yes. Does she attack you in front of other people? No, come to think of it.
Seriously? I’m so confused. She says she loves me. She is obviously desperate to connect and (it seems like) MERGE with me—it’s as though she wants my life, or wants me to only be concerned about her 100% of the time. How can she possibly believe attacking me serves any purpose when she is 100% dependent on me for her survival?
Actually all of those statements go together. There is an underlying rationale. Yes.
What? I don’t understand. Why would she continue being so miserable and unhappy if she is making deliberate choices?
Therein lies the RUB. This is why this is so dang bizarre. The answers lie in the differences between how we each define the goals of reality. According to Patricia Evans, There are basically two ways to view reality, and one’s place within it:
–to mutually promote one another’s goals and co-create, collaborate and synthesize resources and information (aka developing Personal Power) Having this view requires a lot of effort toward personal growth and evolution. Patricia calls this Reality II—the reality that many of us grow into.
OR
–to enhance one’s status by subjugating others to one’s will (aka developing Power Over others); stealing power. This view is very commonly held around the world. Reality I, or the reality most of us are born into.
Ms. Evans does a magnificent job of explaining this concept thoroughly, along with many others. One of her other main points is that, unless one does the work on themselves to confront their personal demons, they will continue being powerless and having to steal power to keep their demons at bay and have some semblance of stability in their lives. Her book called “Controlling People” does an outstanding job of explaining my mom’s worldview, and her understanding of our relationship.
Basically, my mom views me not as a person in my own right with thoughts, feelings and needs separate and independent of hers, but as a placeholder for her unmet needs. A needs meeter. An extension of herself. That is why I distinctly feel “…disregarded, used, and uncared for” among many other things. It’s as though I am right there, but she looks right through me as if not to see me at all, but an image of her own projection. Folks, it is CREEPY. I’ve often told my husband that I wasn’t scared when I watched Silence of the Lambs, because my mom has an affect that’s just like the Anthony Hopkins character. Disconnected. Enraged. Creepy.
It’s soo weird to me that my mom experiences herself as completely powerless. Hence her identification with suffering and victimization. She is utterly unconscious of her own aggressiveness, and any feedback about it provokes more rage. I think George Simon’s book said that one of the most frustrating things about these relationships is the lack of any real ability to communicate. Patricia Evans notes that these are illusory connections.
No wonder I’ve had such trouble in the past! There were no people in my family to connect to!
So—that’s a major aspect of how she experiences Reality I, her reality, what is the Reality II experience like?
