There are three of us in our family. My Brother is the eldest, my Sister is the middle child and I am the youngest. My sibs are only separated by about 15 months and I am separated by 4 years. It is odd how our dynamics within care-giving are not unusual.
We three were never very close. There were the jealousies and infighting that all siblings have in competition for parental love but ours was a broken and unrepairable home. My dad was unstable, emotionally and physically abusive and I believe mom was suffering from life long and untreated depression.
My brother was confused as my parents divorced and played messenger between the two. My sister wanted nothing to do with my father as he tried to kill her one night in her teens in a bitter rage over something she said. She was sent to live with our grandparents to finish High School and never forgave my mom I feel for not divorcing dad then. Mom and she had a “walk on egg shells” relationship since.
And then there was me, mom’s confident, best friend, counselor and champion. Therapy helped me to realize our roles had been switched when I was very young. I became her mother, giving her the support and love she never received from grandma.
Back to the future. My two siblings haven’t helped with mom much over the years. I have been doing it all from financial to medical support. When my brother and sister tried on a rare occasion to take mom home they would call me dozens of times to tell me what mom was doing. They couldn’t handle her. My sister even admitted to shaking mom once to get her to shut up. I didn’t like that at all!
I tried to get both to stay with mom in our own home because reading all the materials about dementia taught the person is best in a familiar environment and tends to act out in strange places. But both had excuses why this could not be done. And at this stage in the game, mom was still highly functional.
This leads us to last August.
I had planned to go to Chicago for a long weekend with friends to get away. I had only been taking about three weekends a year for vacation so I could remain close to mom. I didn’t like leaving her, but I needed a break and with my friend looking in on her she was fine. And up until August she had been fine on her own. So a few days before I go, I email my sister and brother and let them know my itinerary just in case, as I always did. Suddenly, she emails back that mom can’t be alone and it’s short notice and she would have to change her schedule to do this at the last minute.
Who asked her? She ordered me to pack a bag for mom, kennel our dogs and she would pick her up for the weekend. This was the way it was going to be or she would have to pursue other living arrangements for mom. I had a day to make last minute arrangements, caving into her demands. I was furious she pulled this now and just decided to go to the expense of kenneling the dogs and getting mom ready then finding someone to feed my cats for the weekend.
Of course my best friend would help with everything I needed. So the day before my trip, I kenneled the dogs, packed a bag for mom who didn’t want to go because she is not comfortable at my sisters house and wanted to stay home. I was hurriedly packing so I could get to bed early for my 4 am pickup to the airport and my sister calls. She demands to talk to me. I had nothing to say and told mom to tell her I was too busy and would talk to her when I got back. She demanded I talk to her and told mom to give me the phone. Why did she want to talk to me so bad? I was doing what she wanted. I said NO really loud getting more and more upset. I was already under enough stress from her, what more did she want to say?
She hung up on mom and then called back and I let the machine get it. She said she was tired of always trying to help and then just pissing me off. So we can forget her name, her phone number and her email. We were not to contact her anymore. She was done with us all.
Um, when did she try to help before? The other time I refused to talk to her was when mom’s and my bank accidentally transferred mom’s retirement check into my account. Our names are similar, so I can see the easy mistake but my sister accused me of stealing money from mom. Yeah, thanks for the help Sis.
So, the night before my trip, I had to go back to my original plan and called my brother and my friend to look in on mom while I was away. Little did I know that when I got to Chicago, all hell would break loose and I couldn’t enjoy my weekend. Mom went on a full delusional bent. She was so upset by my sister’s message that it tipped her over the edge and I was on the phone all weekend with my brother who was trying to do damage control with my friend and then learning my sister got my Aunt involved. She is another blog in herself.
My sister is the classic “Swooper.” She doesn’t help, but alleviates her conscience by swooping in every other year or so, making demands, criticizing the sibling who is care-giver and then leaves in a huff if you don’t do what she wants. Then she can say to all and sundry “Well, I tried to help, but you didn’t want it.” She doesn’t respect boundaries or the care-giver’s knowledge of what the parent is or isn’t capable of.
Anyway, this started mom on her downward spiral. She hasn’t been the same since.
I am always fascinated how a childhood affects adulthood, especially an adulthood spent caregiving. How do you think you were able to reconcile your childhood? It seems your sister and brother are almost held in time, prisoners of their past.
Wow re: your mom’s downward spiral. I think we overlook how much heartache can really affect our health.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m looking forward to more…
I think I reconciled my past because I had from a very young age, due to a life threatening heart condition a great deal of empathy for others. I felt sorry for mom. She had a husband who controlled her, a daughter who hated her, a mother who felt contempt for her and a sister who loved to compare how wonderful her life was next to mom’s. Never mind Mom cared for both my grandparents while her sister enjoyed her riches and did nothing other than to criticize mom’s care-giving.
I knew Mom had no one in her life that she felt close to other than me because I understood her feelings of inferiority and sadness. Nothing she did was right or good enough. And later when her dementia would come into play, I saw myself taking the position of her critic. To me, I was simply trying to save her from making mistakes that would either cost me time or money, such as wanting to pull up the new caulking I had put on the tub, or trying to clear a drain with a broom. In her mind, I was yet one more person who was telling her she wasn’t good enough. I get this now and feel for her.
Yet for my sister and brother, they never understood unconditional love. Sometimes you just love no matter what and move forward. And for me, even though mom was tough when we were growing up, I loved her and accepted her for who and what she was. They never did as far as I could see and my sister in particular seemed ashamed of mom when she was a teenager. Later my sister confided in me my own grandmother’s contempt for mom. That was sad to hear.
And you are right, they are both emotionally held prisoner of their younger selves. They haven’t understood that mom was doing the best that she could with what she had. My sister in particular has expectations so high that no one can ever meet them.
I wish they both could let go of the past. It’s a nice place to visit, but no one should ever, ever live there.
Absolutely! And, I think this thought can be so freeing: Believing that people are doing their best. Knowing this allows us to just accept and then love.
I love reading your insights! So fun to dissect.