What is possible in my relationship with my mom?
I like possibilities. I like thinking outside the box. It motivates me. I like to feel like there are options, possibly new things I hadn’t considered. So, I dove right into thinking about this when Denise asked me to.
First, I thought about what my mom wanted from our relationship and what I wanted from the relationship. If she had what she wanted it would be…no boundaries between us, to be able to say anything at any time, to unload her frustration on me, for me to be by her side every moment of every day, and for me to be cheerful, entertaining, and completely devoted to serving her every whim.
If I had what I wanted it would be…a supportive, healthy, independent, caring, attentive MOTHER. Practical help as well as guidance with my life. To live free from attacks…a chance to rebuild my self-esteem permanently freed from threats. To be able to maintain my own joyous, loving, respectful, healthy, orderly and alive psychological ‘space.’
Do either of us get what we want? No.
Am I willing to give her more of what she really wants? No. Is she willing to give me more of what I really want? No.
So, it looks like detente.
I am giving the maximum that I define as possible right now, already. And, right now, that looks like a very factual, transactional relationship to neither fuel conflict, nor initiate confrontation. “Mom, are you hungry?” “Mom, it’s time to take your medication.” “Would you like to take a bath today or tomorrow?”
Ooooooh boy. Does she ever HATE it. Oooooooh. Yikes.
But, I realize, it’s critical to my psychological survival. I have to detach, as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts to be able to tolerate and fulfill my responsibilities. I want to be completely boring, to provide nothing to react to. To be bland. To take the fun out of provoking a reaction from me. And, I want to demonstrate and uphold my values and exercise emotional restraint and responsibility.
Oooooooooh. Danger Will Robinson.
I am only willing to give and do more if someone could guarantee the attacks would stop. And, no one can.
The only thing I can do is to develop language to stop the attacks when they happen. I can set limits and enforce them. I can enhance my abilities and repertoire of responses in those situations. I can demonstrate self-respect from moment to moment. And protect myself psychologically.
Because, very recently, I have declared that I am only available for participating in win-win, mutually respectful, supportive, growth-oriented, advocacy and interaction. I am no longer available for anything less than that. And, whenever I encounter it from my mother or anyone, I am going to respond with integrity, set-limits and hand over any residual stuff to God, because it’s not worth my time and energy to understand, to figure out, to deal with, when the other person is not dealing with what they are contributing.
Thus, I am freed.
I recognize, my mother has no intention of accepting feedback, taking emotional responsibility, stopping the attacks, or becoming more aware of her behavior. I have tried explaining my point of view and my reality to her, and the vision I had hoped we could create together in this phase of our lives. She can see how I experience so much love and connection with my husband and his family, and she is jealous and angry. She makes her demands. But they comes across as an order. “Connect with me!” There is no connection. Despite the fact that I’ve known her my entire life.
I recognize, I can only control the piece of the relationship that I bring to the table. I have worked and worked on myself to enjoy the deep loving connections I enjoy with other people, and that I WISH I could enjoy with my mother. I can only do my part.
That she is unable at this moment to meet me in that wonderfully loving place is a fact. It doesn’t mean anything about her or me, it just isn’t happening right now.
I recall that my former husband left me for a deeper connection with someone else. Difficult for me at the time, but I reoriented and fostered a wholeness in myself because I had the opportunity to be alone, disconnected from an unhealthy situation. I survived and thrived. I have to trust God that in accepting the reality of my relationship with my mom, she will survive our transition into a transactional relationship too. “Mom, do you need anymore Depends undergarments?” “Mom, I did your laundry.”
Denise helped me to see that the transactional relationship IS the way I demonstrate love to my mother at this point in our relationship. It is the way I honor myself, uphold my values, and fulfill my responsibilities.
And, I see from all of this, that I DO love my mother. I am a very loving person, who is very sad that I cannot connect with my mother as fully and deeply as I would like to. We cannot share this experience with tenderness, joy and meaning. But, I am doing as much as I possibly can, and I am giving the rest to God to help me with.
Denise’s next question: “What would it be like to live with no regrets?”
I think you have shown some good insights, Tara. For some time I too have realized that my Mom is incapable emotionally of giving me what I would have liked and still would like from her. I think realizing that and accepting that has helped me to move on. I still try to honor her, but I don’t need to have or expect to have the kind of relationship I would like to have with her. I do have the advantage of physical distance from my Mom though. It will be harder for you with your Mom right under your roof. Remember you are not your Mom and your life does not depend on her approval. I admire you for taking care of your Mom under these difficult circumstances. Hang in there!