Torrents of tinkle

Hi y’all–

Oh, wow, it’s been so much to learn about verbal and emotional abuse. I have a million thoughts at the same time. It’s hard to verbalize coherently. It has so many implications, and I hope to be able to clearly articulate it all at some point.

In the meantime–wow, what a torrent, OF TINKLE!

Anyone who’s had dogs or young children has experience dealing with human stuff–but–wow, I’ve not had this experience before.

My mom has become completely, and totally, incontinent. She’s always worn Depends, and has complained of leaking before. Something has changed now where she just can’t keep it together at all, and we’re talking massive, massive amounts of urine, everywhere.

I noticed the change a couple of days ago when she told me she wet the bed. She’s done this from time to time, so, no big deal. I washed everything and put enzymatic solution on the mattress to break down the odor, and replaced the mattress pad. She said she ran out of Depends during the night.

No big deal.

This has morphed, in a period of days—to complete, and total incontinence, and Depends not helping in the least. Yesterday I realized that her chair was soaked and her bed had rings of dried urine like the rings on a tree. All within a matter of a couple of days! She sleeps so much, so I don’t look at her linens every single day.

I asked her if she knew what was different. She said she would have to get up to go to the bathroom (?!!). I said, it has to be uncomfortable to sleep in a wet bed. She said it’s warm (!!). And she just can put a sweatshirt underneath!!

Today, I said, we can’t do this anymore. We have to resolve this problem. In fact, all last night I was sleepless because I was so disturbed by her seeming to be OK with the situation. I really was thinking she must be in full-on dementia?

She got upset with me for suggesting we needed a new response to this problem and I needed to see progress (to have her continue to live here–which I did not say). She said she was incontinent because of how I talked to her.

Knowing what I know now about the worldview of a verbal abuser, I know that she is speaking her truth AND simultaneously, that what she said is completely irrational at the same time–no one can MAKE anyone else incontinent. This is both– projecting the responsibility for her continence on me–and making me the terror-inspiring enemy-aggressor at the same time.Which, in her mind, justifies whatever she wants to say.

I used to get lost in these sorts of interactions. My thoughts would go something like this: Oh my God, am I as horrible as she’s saying? Wow, do I really cause her that much distress that she pees her pants when I’m around? Seriously, OK, well, I guess I better x, y, z different next time. Except neither x, nor y, nor z change produced any more satisfying, sane interactions ever.

I would expect someone like Jack Bauer could intimidate a witness into losing their continence. Or perhaps being held hostage by Abu Sayyaf? That would be a normal response in that situation. Is she really feeling that much fear and emotion–in response to me?

It’s taken me time to realize that she truly believes this in her worldview AND it is no reflection of reality—both of these statements are true despite the fact that they are in direct conflict. I do not raise my voice at her, or assassinate her character, or threaten her when I’m talking to her.

What I DO do, is when I’m stressed out, nearly 100% of the time around her, I become very quiet, reserved and transactional. I try to DE-emotionalize the situation, and just say only what absolutely has to be said and no more. My stress does come across in my faster pace and de-emotionalized tone of voice.

To be forthright and honest with my mom, I explain how I’m feeling from time to time. I qualify it usually with, it’s not YOU, but, I have this, this and this, and this much time to get this done, and I am sorry, but this is the best I can do right now.

Explaining is one of those things that would normally DE-escalate conflict in a person of goodwill,  but has the OPPOSITE effect on a verbal abuser, who is empowered and energized by the one-up-manship boost, and takes it as a WIN in the WIN-LOSE dynamic, which is the only one they are capable of participating in.

In the TORRENT, I have been SOOOOO angry. How can she be OK with this? Is there NO BOTTOM to how horrible and disturbing this situation becomes? (My friend said this would happen in learned helplessness). Oh MY FUCKING GOD (sorry), can she take responsibility for ANYTHING? Where did she learn to be so helpless, and feel so entitled? I am SCREAMING inside. Is she doing this on purpose?

After the, Oh God, if it be your will, PLEASE TAKE HER, please take her, please take her, please take her, please take her, mantra that goes on for 12 hours straight, followed by the Oh God, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, I am so sorry…I have gathered myself.

I talked to her doctor today. Is there anything bad that can be a complication of incontinence? Yes, blah, blah, blah. Does anything different happen if she’s not bathing? Yes. X, Y, Z. So, now he wants to see her to be sure her skin isn’t breaking down from the stress of being bombarded with urine and feces. And he says he may have a drug that can help–or she may have a UTI or other physiological problem.

And he’s promised me he’s going to stress the importance of bathing once a week and taking the time and effort to stand up and walk the 10 feet to the bathroom. (All while preserving her dignity).

And I’ve said Mom, I don’t want to tell you what to do, and I just want you to be comfortable, safe and healthy. It can’t be fun to live like that.

And she agrees, and said she feels humiliated. And I said, well let’s not have you feeling like that. Why couldn’t she have said THAT before instead of blaming me?

A momentary reprieve from the WAR, and this would normally be where I’d be like, wow. Maybe we can connect after all? Gee whiz, wouldn’t that be nice. Now I know, the make nice is part of the set-up and the game that keeps you emotionally hoping for more. It also serves to protect my mom’s self-image of being kind, vulnerable and helpless.

She is unaware of how the game plays out over and over again, but I don’t have to be! As they say, the ISSUE is not the issue. Issues can be resolved. Abuse is different than conflict in that it can never be resolved.