Everyone, I have learned so much in recent weeks, it’s taken me a bit to be able to digest it and be able to write coherently about it. There is literally so much to say, I almost feel speechless, if that makes any sense. I am breaking down this huge monolithic exploration of ideas into short bursts that are easy to read. Here is post #1, that I didn’t finish until just now, but started around April 1st. (Editor’s Note: Tara will post a new blog entry each day for the next seven days.)
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Hi! Wow–I’ve been turtled up in my own little Tara-land for gosh knows how long now. I had a coaching session with Denise that was wonderful, and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling out there.
The intensity is ramping up for me, my husband is in finals land for his first year of law school (+full-time work), my baby is crawling and getting into everything, and crying when he’s unable to have his way, and I’ve been really working with mom to reverse the downward helplessness trend.
So–whereas I used to make all her meals, bring them to her, cut up her food, bring all her medications & supplies, bring ice, folded laundry, and do all of her housework, ferry her to appointments, and help her bathe, I’m now asking her to do what she’s able.
This has ramped up my irritation to siren-ringing levels…her resistance, her whining and complaining, which turns to her feeling victimized and sorry for herself, which turns to her suggesting I’m a bully and a big meanie for ‘making’ her fill a glass with water, or pour a bowl of cereal. My experienced-caregiver friend suggested this was all normal, and suggested I ignore it and only give praise and attention on what was good. So–I’ve been trying that. And saying things like, “it sounds like you’re not happy with me right now, so I’m going to go upstairs for a little bit. Let me know when you’re feeling better.”
For example, the other day, mom’s toilet backed up on the first floor. Me, not understanding plumbing (and not owning a plunger) said, “Go ahead and use the 2nd floor toilet, and I’ll go get a plunger this afternoon.” Lo and behold, the 2nd floor toilet overflowed when mom flushed. I sopped up the water with towels, but later realized the water was leaking from the ceiling 2 floors down. So, where I live is WONDERFUL, and the homebuilders that built our new house help when stuff like this happens. So, I called the builders and plumbers for help. I left our phone number on their paging system and I was waiting for a call back. Mom was aware that this was all going on.
Mom decided it was a good time to make a phone call. I asked her if she could wait to make her call until I got everything resolved with the contractors and reminded her I was waiting for a call back. She said we have call waiting. I said, “Mom, please, it’s just for a few minutes, they should be calling right away.” And she said I was trying to isolate her (!). So, I reminded her that she always says she wants to help me and this is one way she can do that.
And I want to go SCREAM! I WANT to say…(but I don’t) ~~~~~~
You are the most self-centered person I have ever met. Oh my GOD, you did this to yourself. It is not my fault that you’re in this condition. I can’t believe you WANT to be helpless and catered to every single second! Aren’t you bored to tears? What about being a MOTHER and a GRANDMOTHER? Are you not bothered in the least that you contribute NOTHING in terms of practical help and babysitting like many women your age, and that this is your BEST in terms of emotional support for me? Have you no empathy for me and the difficulty of my situation what-so-ever? Have you no thoughts for anyone other than yourself and what you want at this moment? Must you make it HARDER for me than it already is? Can you just be gracious for one single second?
Do you REALLY think I’m a bully because you’re pouring you’re own cereal? Aren’t you proud of yourself for at least doing one small thing? We can build on this, and next you can do a little more and a little more, and you’ll feel so much better!
OMG, can you really NOT tell the difference between ‘support’–you know I’m always here for you to fall back on if you REALLY can’t do it—and ‘bullying?’ Seriously? Do you really want to call me mean names when I do virtually EVERYTHING for you? Is that the best ‘thanks’ you can offer? Wow.
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I FUME. In my head I just think every moment of every day, especially at night, “God, please help me. I can’t deal with this anymore. I can not handle this woman. I feel no connection to her, especially no kind of parental relationship. I feel COMPLETELY disregarded, used and uncared for. I hate her.”
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And, then, I talked to Denise for a coaching session. Wow. She’s really really smart. She asked me all sorts of questions. Particularly on my raging internal battle of feeling nothing but anger for my mother and for the situation I’m in—- on one hand, and feeling like I must be a reprehensible person for having such hateful and negative thoughts— on the other. I mean, come on, this is MY MOTHER. I am supposed to have tenderness and kindness and caring. I never have. Hence, there must be something wrong with me.
Those of you who’ve read my earlier posts know that this is a common theme for me: massive ambivalence and negative feelings for both of my parents, and lots of rumination, and feelings of such enormous guilt. You could say it’s the defining issue of my life.
The major theme I explored with Denise in my coaching session was: “What is possible in my relationship with my mother?”
