How do I know if my mom is truly, objectively deliberately verbally abusive, or just out of control pathetic, paranoid and delusional?
What a crazy question even to ask! Even to THINK! Let alone admit in a public forum. Nevertheless, I needed to know the answer. Would these books yield any insight?
Oh, one thing I forgot to say in the last post is that she ignores every request I make of her out of hand. “Mom, could you give Dave some time to himself before dinner when he gets home from work?” “Mom, could you keep your ‘jokes’ about Jewish people to yourself when you’re around Dave or his parents? Remember, all of Dave’s dad’s family died in the concentration camps and his sole uncle came here with Dave’s dad when he was a little boy…?” “Mom, could you keep the details of your sex life to yourself? I am your daughter and that information is best shared among friends.” It’s as if I’d never spoken up.
Here’s me thinking she’s just extremely socially inept with an increasingly bad memory. You authors are somehow suggesting this is deliberate aggression? What?! I need to hear more.
The first book I read was by a gal named Sam Horn, entitled, “Take the Bully by the Horns.” I wanted to know what real bullying was, objectively speaking since my mom has taken to calling me a bully lately.
Was I bullying my mom in asking her to make her own cereal? Doesn’t bullying require an intent to control or humiliate someone? Didn’t my mom understand that I need her to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible—because we can’t afford another assisted living facility at this time. We have discussed that lots of times. Not to mention she’s always saying she wants to help me, why isn’t she doing what she can do for herself as a place to start like I’m always suggesting? Why is nothing straightforward and understandable about our interactions? God, it’s E*X*H*A*U*S*T*I*N*G.
In subsequent posts I will highlight some of the main concepts in the books I read. It’s a little ambitious for me to tackle all at one time. For now, I will say, everything I’ve ever read about self-improvement is almost the exact opposite of advice for how to handle manipulative, unhealthy relationships where boundaries are not respected. And, that, by definition, those ARE abusive relationships! Confirmation. Validation. Insight. Advice. Encouragement. So much to absorb. So many things to do differently. So, for now, for all of you struggling with these issues, the books I read and HIGHLY recommend are:
Take the Bully by the Horns, by Sam Horn
Tongue Fu, by Sam Horn
Controlling People, by Patricia Evans ***** Excellent insights
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans
Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, by Patricia Evans
In Sheeps Clothing, by George Simon ***** Excellent insights
When Words Hurt, by Mary Lynne Heldmann ***** Excellent advice
Why Does He DO That?, by Lundy Bankroft
More soon as I absorb and am able to verbalize! Take care and take heart everyone. Til next time.
