Not a person?
(For anyone of color, please forgive the slavery reference if it is a difficult subject, tho, remember, human slavery has happened throughout history in many cultures and still goes on today, even in the United States…abjectly horrifying)
(For anyone else who may just generally be offended by my comparing Caregiving to slavery, please accept my apologies…I am not seeking to inflame, I just have really really strongly negative feelings and this is my soapbox)
Don’t people in the US have FREEDOM? Liberty? The Pursuit of Happiness? Inalienable rights? Amazingly, I’m not feeling so free right about now.
Aren’t slaves unpaid laborers who do the scut work no one else wants to do? Aren’t their ‘masters’ people who enjoy a life of leisure? Relative leisure?
I know, I know. You think I have choices. I am choosing to care for my mother.
I know, because I think I have choices too. I do have choices, I just don’t like any of them.
Do I care for my mother, spend all my retirement savings, free time (ha!), fetching hither and tither, with no breaks and no vacations (even if I’m “away” she’s still phoning every 5 minutes)…
Or
Do I fake my own death? Oh, yeah… right, this isn’t a real choice.
Do I pay the difference between her income, SSDI and her actual expenses? (Turns out she’s back to being more lucid now after her hospital visit, so I am afraid about her qualifying for more financial aid. I do have to visit the Area Agency on Aging this week to learn more, and she does have an appointment soon with a Neurologist for a thorough evaluation)
OR
Do I just not pay for her oxygen? Her medication? Her Depends? That’s like asking me which child gets to starve if we seriously had no money.
Unlike your pet or child who you COULD give away (though I never have and never would ever), no one will accept your aging parent. Imagine that.
Unlike your unruly spouse who you COULD divorce, you cannot divorce your aging parent. Hmmm.
In a way, that is all a wonderful assurance to each of us as we age. And the only reason I even thought about it at all is because of the financial outlays–past, present and possibly future. Does it make sense for our family’s finances to be destroyed to help her? Everyone says I’m not responsible for her finances, but please tell me which part I get to opt out of.
I’ve heard people say, “successful people find a way to distance themselves from this type of thing”—Oh, really? That’s nice. Please share exactly how I might do that.
I’ve just been feeling more like a slave because:
–I was born into being her daughter
–I am unpaid, and at the moment, it feels like a dangerous financial precipice, with no safety net–slaves should not expect to have any money or safety net
–It’s continous, round-the-clock service, in all manner of things…trifling, fickle and also important things
–I can’t find any–healthy–or responsible–or ethical way OUT. It’s like a trap.
–I really don’t feel like I have choices, liberty, freedom or the pursuit of anything. I don’t feel like I have inalienable rights, even though I live in America.
–It doesn’t matter to anyone how much this completely sucks for me and my family (except possibly to you guys, because you’re in similiar situations). Slaves shouldn’t expect a quality of life.
–It does feel as though my ‘master’ is leading a life of leisure–despite her illnesses. She gets to sleep, eat good food, be waited on hand and foot, and now, she’ll probably have people bathe her, and possibly dress her, and do other personal things for her.
I know, this whole line of thinking is completely outlandish. It just reflects my stress level.
I do have appointments to look at facilities, plans to visit the AAA, the Neurologist, and the Medicaid office, and the Opthamologist.
And, my outlook may (hopefully, if there is a merciful God) be a little brighter if I can make up the gap between mom’s $2,000 and the $4,000 to $6,000 per month care that she likely requires at this stage.
Incidentally, I am not angry with my mother beyond my usual rants about her bad past decisions. I just am constantly amazed that this whole caregiving thing is really like this. It’s like Roach Hotel. Except I didn’t realize I was a roach. I thought I was doing a loving thing.
WTF?!!
All I can say lately is “Seriously?”
Hi Tara–You’ve captured the proverbial “rock and a hard place” right on. Please let us know what happens when you speak to AAA (Area Agency on Aging). Are you sleeping?? At all??
I believe that this really and truly will work out. I honestly believe that. It will work out because you are so amazing–you have a knack for working it out. Keep the faith, it does keep you (even when you wonder where it went).
Tara,
Please stop for just one second and take a deep breath! Your stress is very real. Your reality is, well, reality. But, you are NOT trapped. Stress comes from feeling out of control. I have a suggestion for helping you to get some control back. It sounds like it would help if you could take a giant step back and figure out, in rank order, the three specific things causing you the most stress. Then, set a goal, one goal, for each of those three things — something tangible and specific that you CAN accomplish. Focus on getting those things done, and then set some new goals. This will help you find the strength to move forward. You are a blessing to your mother. Don’t ever forget that.
Sheri
Wow…I can’t even tell you how much this resonates with how I feel right now. I am actually speechless. I am a granddaughter caring for her grandmother…something that I sort of fell into…and I am at a stress level similar to this. I won’t bug you with my story now, but gosh…I can at least tell you this: I hear ya. I understand. I completely, completely understand.
.-= Miss R´s last blog ..The Age Of Invisibility by Eissa Stein =-.
All I can say is I feel ya. My father has AD, he was not the kindest man ever!! I have had to place my life on hold-No friends, fun, breaks, nothing. I had started to feel guilty about my feelings however; after reading your story I know that I am not alone.
Thanks
I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation with the exception that I care for my mother in law. We would have to move if she left our home and we still wouldn’t be able to afford long term care for her. I think we live in the same roach motel. Hello neighbor!
Heather
I live in the same roach motel. I am very tired and have little family support, because my family lives away. I long for a few mintues alone, with just my young daughter, to rest, but to no avail. I feel guilty because they (caring for both parents, renal cell carcinoma and Alzhiemers) took me in when I separated from my husband and now mom reminds me of this daily. They will not agree to go to the nursing home, so I am here, trying to take care of them. I love my parents very much and this is all very confusing. So, I understand the feelings you are having, hand in there, and I pray everyday for the strength and grace to continue this mission.