Ask Denise: How Do I Connect with Him?

(Editor’s Note: Once in awhile, we’ll share a past column of Ask Denise; this column originally appeared August 5, 2003.)

Dear Denise,

After ending a 15-year marriage to an alcoholic, and then losing my job, I was “invited” to move in with my 85-year-old dad in his 2 bedroom apartment. I also have a 13-year-old daughter. Since we needed a place to live as I could no longer afford the apartment I was living in with my daughter after the divorce, and since my dad needed me to cook his meals, shop, and clean for him, I agreed to move in. He pays the rent. I had to move most of my furnishings into storage and me and my daughter now share a bedroom. I’m a 49-year-old who now sleeps on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed!

I keep telling myself and my daughter that this is a temporary situation and that after my dad passes on, I will take over the apartment (which is very affordable). In the meantime, I have taken a part-time job (25 hours per week) so I can care for my dad and my daughter. (Did I mention I’m going through menopause too!!!) Most days I’m very stressed, angry about my situation, anxious about my financial burdens and feel that I’m sandwiched in the middle.

I have two brothers who do nothing to help out. I’ve asked my oldest brother (who is retired, married, very well off financially and has no children) to come and take his father out for day, or just to spend time with him. But he never seems to make the time and when I vent my frustrations and feelings about Dad’s habits that get on my nerves, my brother really isn’t interested. My dad’s medical condition is that he suffers from IBS and chronic constipation, but other than that, he suffers from old age and depression (and is unwilling to take anti-depressants).

I have a wonderful support of friends so I enjoy spending time with them on the weekend laughing and sharing with them. My dad gets very resentful of my “social life” and we get into arguments about it often. He sometimes will tell me “this isn’t the arrangement we agreed on,” like I’m the hired help and he’s not getting his money’s worth out of me. I know he feels lonely but I also need time for me. If I’m not caring for his needs, I’m caring for my teenager’s needs: running to practices, pick up/drop off at school, homework, spending time together, etc. Some days my day doesn’t end until 10 p.m. or later.

I just wish my dad would understand that I need time for me and it’s healthy for me to spend time with friends, especially since my entire lifestyle has changed dramatically.

I would appreciate you giving me some tips on how to keep calm as I would really like to enjoy my dad’s company as I used to years ago but just can’t seem to connect with him emotionally. I know I have a lot on my plate being a single mom and caregiver so any advice you can offer would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Sandwiched in the Middle

Hi Sandwiched,

Wow—you’ve got a lot going on!

I remember how I felt when I left my emotionally abusive husband; the first six months, I was on Cloud Nine, so relieved to be out. Then, it hit me: I’m divorced! The sadness and anger about my situation really grabbed me; I was sooo upset that my life took a turn I didn’t expect. I was happy to have ended my marriage, but my expectations of what my life would be also ended. I had to re-build my life and start over with new expectations. It took me a good 18 months to get back on track.

So, on top of your grief over the loss of your marriage, you have to deal with a caregiving situation, a new living situation, a teen-ager, menopause, a new job and a new relationship with your father. Argh! I’d be mad, too.

First, you’ve done so many things right: Getting a part-time job, setting aside time for friends and fun, taking good care of your child. Let’s talk about a few things that seem to be causing you the most difficulty: Your brothers and your dad.

You are wise to realize you need time to have fun; it’s critical to your emotional well-being. It’s unfortunate that your father doesn’t realize this. But, it’s important to accept that he won’t understand this. That’s his prerogative. But, that doesn’t mean you should change your social plans. As long as your dad is safe and well-cared for, you’re good to go. You might try using positive phrases, which can lead to positive actions (or reactions), to explain your social plans. For instance, you’re going out with friends for dinner and a movie. You might say to your dad: “Dad, tonight, I’m meeting friends at 7 p.m. for a quick bite and then we’re going to see a movie. I’ll call you before we go into the movie theatre to make sure you’re okay. (You may or may not want to say this—depending on how your call home will affect the rest of your evening.) Thank you so being so supportive of my night out with friends. I love you and will miss you. Maybe tomorrow night we could rent a movie to watch together. I’ll be home before midnight. I’ll check on you when I get in.”

Sometimes, when you phrase your plans in a positive light (and offer thanks for his support), you stop the negative words (“This wasn’t our agreement!”) in their tracks.

As for your brothers: You’ve made specific requests for their help. They’ve showed you that they won’t help. It’s time to let it go. They’ve made their decisions about their relationships with their father; you can’t force them to change their decisions. But, just because your brothers won’t help, don’t give up looking for help. Call your local Area Agency on Aging (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 if you can’t find the number in your phone book.) These agencies have options for respite care (a companion or home care worker cares for your father so you can take regular breaks) and can tell you about other programs and services that can help. If you can’t use these services now, keep them in mind for the future. Your father also might qualify to receive services and assistance; you can search to learn about any problems at this site: www.benefitscheckup.org. With more help, perhaps you could schedule a few hours more at your job and ease a little of your financial burden.

And, find another support system, other than your brothers, to vent—this is just as important as taking time for yourself. You do have to get your frustrations out of your system, otherwise, they’ll take over! We have online support groups (the members communicate via e-mail messages). The Area Agency on Aging can tell you about support groups in your community.

As for your relationship with your father: It seems he’s a different man, and perhaps you’re a different daughter. You’ve both experienced quite a few intense experiences (your divorce, his illnesses). So, you have an opportunity to create a new relationship. Perhaps setting aside a night a week for board games, to watch a special TV show, or to organize family photos (and to reminisce over old family photos). This is also a wonderful opportunity for your and your daughter to learn about the family history—first-hand, from your father. Ask him about his childhood, his parents, his grandparents, how he met your mother, his job and career, his military service, if any. These are wonderful memories to cement for future generations.

Granted, his depression and his refusal to treat his depression may thwart your attempts. A counselor may help; contact your local chapter of Easter Seals. Often, Easter Seals offices have counselors available to make in-home visits with older adults. The counselor also can help you and your father determine a fair agreement as to how much help/assistance you offer in exchange for your living arrangement. It might help to air your expectations and have a counselor work to mend your differing expectations.

Does your father have his will and durable power of attorney for health care and finances in good shape? It’s important that these documents are taken care of. You can find a great article about these documents here.

Finally, be sure to take care of your own health. Your child and your father may need you for a long time (!) so you want to be in good shape, physically and emotionally, to be there for them.

Let me know how it goes…

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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