Janet and Sue are sisters, but certainly not friends. They went their separate ways as young adults, exchanging the courtesy holiday and birthday cards over the years.
Now, thirty years later, they spend hour after hour with each other as their mother recovers in the hospital from a stroke. Some moments are good—they laugh at how overbearing their parents were during their teen-aged years—but some are really bad. The bad moments come when the two must discuss the next steps for their mother. Sue believes her mother could return home and Janet, who lives nearby, can help. Janet believes her mother would receive better care in a facility.
As the discharge date fast approaches, discussions about the discharge plan become more and more heated. Finally, their conversation escalates to a shouting match in front of a wide-eyed, just-out-of-school discharge planner.
Janet, sitting with her arms crossed, says to Sue: “I’m very worried that I will not be able to take of Mom at home.”
Sue, stands up, propelled by her anger. “You are so selfish. You just don’t want to be bothered. You never could be bothered.”
“If this is so important to you,” Janet says through her tears, “why don’t you move Mom out to your house?”
“Because this is her home, you idiot,” Sue screams. “She should live her last few years at home. Are you so selfish that you can’t see that?”
“And, are you so stupid that you can’t see Mom needs a lot of help? You are such a judgemental, bull-headed person. Now you know why I barely kept in touch with you. You are a pain in the …”
Managing conflict, especially conflict with other family members, is tough. Family members know just what buttons to push, just what words to say, just what memories to dredge up. And, that’s why managing conflict within the family can be so gut-wrenching.
As you face difficult decisions, you may find yourself working with siblings and other relatives to reach a consensus agreement. And, as you know from previous experiences, consensus and agreement usually do not mix within the family.
So, how do you manage conflict when you need to come to a decision? Some things to consider:
1. When someone pushes your buttons, your response dictates whether the power stays with you or whether you give it away. Janet, for instance, felt attacked so she attacked. Perhaps a better response, one in which she retains power, would have been: “Let’s take a break and regroup. Let’s meet back in 30 minutes to listen to what the discharge planner suggests is best for Mom. And, perhaps the discharge planner’s supervisor could join us.”
Sometimes, not taking the bait is the best way to keep a situation under control. Don’t meet them tit for tat. You are better than that. More important: You’ll never put yourself in a position where you feel you owe someone, like Judgemental Sue, an apology.
2. Keep to the subject at hand: What is best for my aging relative? If issues arise about who was Mom’s favorite, or who did the most for Mom, then take the upper hand. Indicate these subjects are not up for discussion. What is up for discussion is the well-fair of Mom.
Then ask questions that help everyone stick to the purpose: What would Mom have wanted? How do we best respect Mom’s wishes? How do we best meet the needs of the family? The primary family caregiver?
3. Let go of convincing others of who is the Good Guy and who is the Bad Guy. Other family members and health care professionals will understand the dynamics of the situation just by observing and listening.
4. Give in to the fact that you can’t like the unlikeable. It’s okay if you don’t like your sister or your brother or your aunt or your cousin. Even though you may not like them, they still play an important role in the decision-making process. You can still respect their opinion and perspective. And, remember: You may not like them, but your caree most likely loves them.
5. It’s not about who’s right, but about what’s best. Boy, do we want to be right. Always. But in these situations, it really is not about who is right. It’s about what’s best for your care recipient.
6. Bring in a mediator. A respected family member, a minister or rabbi, a physician, an ethics committee (every hospital has one, many nursing homes do, too) can offer an objective opinion that you and your family members may be too subjective to reach. If you find yourselves fighting the same fights, call in the calvary.
7. It’s hard to always be the bigger person. It’s exhausting to keep your emotions in check, to ignore inappropriate comments. But, you’ll make yourself proud when you do. And, you’ll create great memories that will bring you comfort.
What tips would you add to our list? And, how did you manage a heated battle with another family member?
Resources
Next Step in Care, help in transitioning from hospital to the next care setting
Making Health Care Decisions, a series of articles about end-of-life decisions
Five Wishes, an advance directive document
Denise,
Thank you for this post. How you know what transpires at what times in caregiving is amazing to me and I am truly grateful – every day.
As I add help here, I talk about it. A family member called tonight and I told them that I was adding morning help – at least 4 times a week. They asked about my mother’s money – how much is left?
When I told them, they replied: “What? That’s all!”
For nine years I have managed my mother’s money and cared for her. I’ve done the best I could, and almost daily think about the ‘what ifs’ with my mother’s bills and insurance.
I love these tips. They reassure and compell me to be the better person.
I do the best I can daily – have never had help from siblings. And, what’s most important as you said, always do what’s best for my mother.