The Pressure-Cooker of Holidays: The Pressure to Make It Perfect

You want it to be nice, unforgettable, special, as close to perfect as possible. Surely, there can’t be that many more left for both of you to enjoy.

But, the pressure to make it perfect can ruin any well-intentioned holiday, be it Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or Christmas. And, the pressure intensifies because of those thoughts in the back of your head: How many more Father’s Days will we have with Dad (or your husband)?

The pressure to make the day perfect heats up to Inferno level if you have siblings or other family members who seem indifferent to the day and its importance. Maybe your older sister still harbors some unexplained resentment toward you—which she takes out on your mom. Maybe your brother just doesn’t get it—so he doesn’t bother to call or send a card. When you know others won’t step up to the plate, the pressure to hit a home run and create a memorable day can almost paralyze you.

How do you make these holidays special, given their inherent challenges?

1. Keep in mind that you control yourself—and no one else. What’s important is that you share your feelings with your care recipient, that you let her know how important she is, even if other family members can’t or won’t.

2. You can’t make up for your others’ lack of awareness about your care recipient’s illness or disease process, so don’t even try. Your siblings or other relatives make their own decisions about how they handle your care recipient’s declining health—and they have to live with the consequences of those decisions.

3. Bad-mouthing only makes you look bad. Wow, is it tempting to share a few choice words about your siblings or other family members to your care recipient. Vent in your diary, to your spouse, to your hedge of bushes in the backyard–but not to your care recipient.

4. Keep the day simple. Try to create new rituals that reflect your energy level (and your care recipient’s). Perhaps your care recipient would enjoy a trip to the cemetery with a stop for ice cream on the way home. Or, maybe lunch after church service would be a special treat. Or, maybe just take a simple break from your roles for a few moments (no thoughts of your family caregiver—care recipient relationship) to relate as two people who enjoy each other’s company.

5. Create memories for both of you. Take photos—and then take out old photos for reminiscing.

6. Live in the moment, just for the day. Don’t worry about tomorrow—those problems will come soon enough.

7. Take the high road, don’t get drawn into petty squabbles with other family members. Don’t worry about proving your point at all costs. Live your beliefs—that’s the best way to prove your point.

8. Only take on the responsibilities that are yours. You can make a great casserole, set a mean table, but if your care recipient (and/or other family members) choose to be unhappy, then they’ve made their choice. Put your energy in creating joyful moments for you.

9. Be sure the day also includes your own special rituals—with your children, your spouse, your grandchildren.

10. Honor your role as family caregiver for five minutes: Give thanks for your ability to give care, to have this experience, an experience which is given to only very special people.

Happy Father’s Day!

One Response to “The Pressure-Cooker of Holidays: The Pressure to Make It Perfect”

1. Care Giver says:

   June 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm

   These pieces of advice are so right on, so easy, and yet I forget them all the time. I’m going to print this list off for our “holiday” celebration this Sunday, and refer to it often. Thank you!

   Reply