Ask Denise: How Do I Help My Stressed Mom?

(Editor’s Note: Once in awhile, we’ll reprint a past column of Ask Denise. This column originally appeared on June 8, 2004.)

Hi Denise,

I am writing to you on behalf of my mother. She is taking care of my step-father’s mother. Since my mother has been doing this I have watched my mother’s health and attitude decline tremendously. In the last week she has broke out with hives all over her body and is continually stressed. My grandmother is diagnosed with dementia and prefers being waited on then trying to do anything for herself. She wants my mother to do everything for her and I find my mother to be very resentful of this. My grandmother has always liked to be sick and loves being in hospitals where people can wait on her. My mother has been taking care of her for over a year now and I don’t know how much more she can handle. My mother’s biggest stress in all this is my grandmother not getting up to go to the bathroom. She will mess all over herself several times a day and will wipe it all over everything. This is just sending my mother over the edge. She does not know what to do with her anymore. She does have help come once a week for a couple of hours a day but everywhere else that she has turned for help has failed. I am concerned about her. She is becoming very angry and not a nice person to be around. She is yelling at my grandmother all the time now. I try to talk with her but it doesn’t seem to be helping any.

Hi,

I am so glad you wrote! You’re wise to see the impact caregiving is having on your mom; it’s a rough, tough, draining job. And, it’s wonderful that you’re stepping in to help out; your mom is lucky to have you.

It seems as if your mom needs help managing her mother-in-law’s needs, but is intimidated by her mother-in-law’s personality, which makes it even harder to manage the care needs. Call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116; they’ll refer you to the local Area Agency on Aging. The agency will have staff that can tell your mom about programs/services that can help, such as respite programs (so she can get regular breaks), support groups, and community programs like an adult day center (her mother-in-law would attend a center during the day, enjoying activities and lunch).

In addition, call the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association; the staff also can tell you about programs and services that can help. If you’re really in a bind, the association has a toll-free hotline available 24 hours a day, seven days a week; it’s great—don’t hesitate to call if you’re running into any problems. Here’s the number: 800-272-3900. Give the number to your mom and tell her that any time she’s really mad, she should call this number. And, here’s the web site for the national Alzheimer’s Association: www.alz.org

Incontinence products can be a life-saver (and furniture-saver!); take a trip to WalMart or Target and pick up incontinence supplies (disposable incontinence briefs) that your mom’s mother-in-law must wear. You also can order incontinence products through the mail; here are a few companies:

NorthShore Care Supply: http://www.northshorecare.com

Home Delivered Incontinence Supplies: http://www.hdis.com/

Finally, if it’s too much for your mom to care for her mother-in-law at home, then it’s just too much! Dementia is a difficult disease to manage, and then add in a tricky personality and you have a very challenging situation. This is a tough situation and I would imagine that your mom is trying to make her husband and her mother-in-law happy—but at the expense of her own health. Her own health and well-being must come first! She’s absolutely burnt-out; you can see the impact this is having on every relationship she has—with you, with her mother-in-law and surely with her husband. Other housing options are available, and if it saves your mom’s emotional and physical health, then another housing option just may be the best housing option. The Alzheimer’s Association will have a social worker available to help your mom and can mediate a family discussion as to where the best place is for her mother-in-law to live.

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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• How Do I Not Take This Personally? (caregiving.com)

Tags: alzheimer's, bad days, conflict, self-care, stress