Last night, ABC’s Primetime aired an intriguing story (“Ultimate Love Triangle: Mother-in-Law’s Alzheimer’s Disease Strains Marriage”). A newly-married couple move his mother, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, into their home. And, by newly-married, I mean married just five weeks. Even more interesting, they allowed ABC to place cameras in their home to film their experience caring for his mother.
Blane, the husband, didn’t discuss his decision to move his mother, Lawanda, into the home he shared with Georgia, his bride. It all went down hill from there.
The show was often difficult to watch. Blane worried about losing his wife, who regularly expressed her displeasure over Lawanda’s presence in their home. About nine months after Lawanda’s arrival, Georgia leaves Blane. After they reconcile, Blane builds a small apartment behind their home to accommodate Lawanda, so he can help her but still provide privacy for himself and Georgia.
That didn’t work.
Georgia and Blane take battle positions; Georgia, on the couch, Blane, in his recliner. They argue. Then, in what seems to be a play to keep Georgia on his side, Blane mocks Lawanda, who often shows the symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease. Lawanda, a witness to the mocking, is heart-broken.
As the situation’s stress escalates, so does the number of cigarettes smoked by all three. Lawanda’s smoking poses a problem, but Blane and Georgia can only think of one solution: To tell Lawanda, descending further and further into forgetfulness, not to smoke.
Obviously, that didn’t work, either.
Finally, the three move to be closer to Georgia’s family. Blane and Georgia buy their own home; they move Lawanda into her own apartment. She attends an adult day center, but must fend for herself when she’s home alone. At some point, Georgia yells at Blane to hire help—that his mother needs help. Blane replies that he’ll hire help when they can afford to. Finally, Adult Protective Services is notified.
The smoking, now accompanied by almost constant cursing, really gains steam.
When Wyvonna, Lawanda’s sister, recovers from her own health issues, she moves Lawanda into her own home. Wyvonna’s husband supports the decision; “There but for the Grace of God go us,” he tells her.
Lawanda thrives once she moves to Wyvonna’s home. She looks healthy. She’s also a happy and constant companion for her sister and brother-in-law. She says she would love to see her sons (Blane and his brother, Scott). They say they’ll visit, but they don’t.
In the show’s closing minutes, we learn that Blane wrote checks from Lawanda’s checking account, including monthly checks to himself for $2,000 (to cover Lawanda’s living expenses, he notes on the cancelled checks). He admits he neglected his mother, although not intentionally. “Neglect is neglect,” he says.
It’s hard to forget Blane, Georgia and Lawanda. Blane and Georgia are now divorcing. Blane remains distant from his mother. Blane and Georgia were obviously overwhelmed and confused by Lawanda’s care needs. Now, does their guilt overwhelm them? Did they divorce because they saw each other’s worst? Or, because the other’s worst is a self-reflection and they can’t stand the reminder?
I wonder about Blane and Georgia—their courtship, why and how they fell in love. Blane often expressed his love for Georgia (“I’m 52 years old. I’m in love for the first time in my life.”) but Georgia seemed only able to verbalize her anger at the situation. She admits to feeling jealous of Blane’s attention to his mother.
Blane must have felt he had to choose between the two. He chose Georgia. Interesting that both seem lost to him now.
We all know that caregiving has many moments of rawness—when the anger, frustration and exhaustion take hold and the only relief seems to come from yelling, smoking and cursing. But, caregiving can have some good moments. We saw moments of love between Blane and Georgia. The truly touching moments of love took place between Blane and Lawanda. Blane, when given the opportunity, genuinely doted on his mother.
Which made me wonder: Does love have a limit? Did Blane feel he just didn’t seem to have enough love to go around? I wonder if, ultimately, he feels that is his failure. He couldn’t find enough love. When he struggled to be enough, did he reach for Lawanda’s checkbook, looking for another way to be full?
Or, was Georgia just too unwilling to forgive, so that there never could be enough love?
The suffering of the three is haunting. Lawanda has found parts of her happy ending. Regular visits from her son would start the credits rolling for her story. But, Blane and Georgia? Will they find their happy endings?
What did you think?
Read more and watch the show here.
Resources
Three’s Company: You, Your Spouse and Your Care Recipient
Tags: alzheimer's, bad days, conflict
They were obviously overwhelmed. I watched till midnite. I checked in on my motherinlaw who has Alzheimers and thought she was sleeping. She was watching the show on her TV. I didn’t know what to do. …..That was a confusing moment for me. She watched almost 45 min. then fell asleep. This morning she wanted to talk about the show and how I felt. I almost started crying.
I can’t imagine how being married for just 5 weeks and that dumped in your lap……jeez. I have loved my mother in law for 28 years and it is tough to watch her 24/7. Their marriage was lost before it started.
My heart hurt so bad watching Lawanda. I just wanted to hold her.
The test they gave Blane at the end is probably why he ignores his mom. He is embarassed being on TV and no one likes to fail…..let alone in front of everyone watching. I hope that Blane will find a way to be close to his mom before she is gone.
Hi Julie–Wow–that your mother-in-law watched and then asked about your feelings. Were you able to talk to her? I can completely understand the confusion, especially because you would not have expected her to watch. And, the raw emotions in the show can bring up our own raw emotions, which can be difficult to explain.
I do hope that Blane and Georgia can find their peace…