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On Thursday, I gave an eldercare presentation to a group of employees at a large corporation based here in Chicago.
At the end of the presentation, an attendee asked:
“What do I do about my mom? She insists on going to the doctor. A few years ago, she was seeing 24 doctors who all prescribed medications. I stopped that. She now lives in a retirement community so I know she has access to transportation, help and meals.
“But, every time I visit her, she wants me to take her to the doctor. So, we’ll go to the doctor, who will refer her to a specialist, and then we get back on the merry-go-round. My husband and I have been going through this for 25 years. We’re exhausted. What can we do?”
And, Maria, one of our site visitors, posted this comment on Gary’s blog:
“Mom is physically fine but always have something to complain about. I work 8-10 hours a day outside of the home and put in another 6-8 when I get home. How do I get off this treadmill. Once I am home (she live with me now-have an aide in the days), she expects me to answer at her beck and call. She is rarely pleasant and never seems appreciative.”
There’s nothing worse than the stomach-churning merry-go-round and treadmill. The best way to get off, I believe, is to set boundaries.
Let’s take the first situation. The family caregiver has gone above and beyond. She’s committed to helping her mom; it’s okay to set limits about how often. So, in this case, I suggested to the family caregiver that she tell her mom: “I understand how important your health is. I understand your need to go to the doctor. I support you. I’m available to take you to the doctor once a month. The retirement community has transportation that can bring you any other time you want to go.”
The power in the statement lies in affirming your parent’s needs while stating clearly how/when you can help and providing an alternative when you can’t.
In the second situation, a family caregiver is trapped by an expectation that she can make a care recipient happy. It’s just not possible. (Read: Can You Be Successful in Your Caregiving Role?)
In this situation, an appropriate boundary may be expressed this way: “I’m glad to see you when I get home from work. So, I’ll check to make sure you have what you need. Then, I’m taking a few minutes for myself and starting dinner. I’ll be available to you once dinner is ready. After dinner, I’m taking an hour for my own work while you watch TV. Then, we’ll spend some time together and I’ll help you get ready for bed.”
When the beck and calls come, simply say: “I’m making dinner. I’ll help you when I’m done.” Or, “I’m working. I’ll help you when I’m done.” “I’m taking a few minutes for myself. I’ll help you when I’m done.”
A care recipient with unrealistic expectations and overwhelming demands can make you miserable. As long as your care recipient is safe and has the care he or she needs, you can set limits. You have to give up so much in a caregiving role. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your sanity. Boundaries can be your savior.
Resources:
Finding Your Voice, Defining Your Role
Finding the Right Words to Ask for the Help You Want
How Do I Deal with the Guilt when I Leave?
Caregiving Mantras: Making Your Healthy Perspective Your Healthy Realty
Adjusting Your Care Recipient to Your Changes
