By: NJ

NJ — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:11:11 +0000

Wow! I know this is an older blog but I went through a similar thing on a far less extreme scale. Like Tara, the priest asked for more info on Mom so he could say a few things. He did not know her because he was new and she had not been to church for quite awhile due to her illness.
I culled my mind for the “best” to say about her. Our relationship was difficult from the time I was a teen. I had no real expectations before that, as like most children, I just accepted what “was” as normal.
I realized in my late 20′s or early 30′s that I was very angry and that I saw her as the cause. Later, I realized that I blamed her for all that wasn’t right in my life BUT she was the one that tried to give me “normal”. Meaning that she tried to make up for what my Dad didn’t / couldn’t offer and because I still wasn’t getting “normal”, I resented HER! She tried to give for both patents but I only knew I was short somewhere. I learned early not to expect anything from Dad so I wasn’t disappointed with him ever. I expected a lot from her and she didn’t always measure up. Not fair to her, but our reality all the same.
About a year or two before Mom was diagnosed with terminal, inoperable esophegal stomach cancer, she had a TIA (too minor of a mini stroke to register on the equipment). I could see she was starting to need regular people contact as many of her friends had passed away or moved. We began getting together weekly to play cards, this gave her something to look forward to and also to enjoy in the moment. Her mental/ emotional well being improved. By this time we were tolerating each other. Between my 30′s and this time of tolerating, I would not visit her alone.
Alone, she said unkind things. On the phone, for my ears only, she said unkind things. She wrote nasty letters to me. Left unkind messages on my answering machine. Never in front of my husband did she say anything because she feared he would defend me.
From tolerance to peace happened as I was thrust into the role of primary caregiver. She was fiercely independent and hated having to be cared for. She fought my getting others to help when I knew I couldn’t go on anymore. I finally had to tell her, “I need help. I can’t do this all on my own anymore. If we don’t have Hospice nurses come into your apartment and help you will have to go to a nursing home (something she was dead set against!)”
I came to understand that she needed me and she hated it. As her illness progressed, she depended on me for everything. Some say you become their parent, the roles reverse. It is tempting to look at it that way- but that’s wrong. Your roles change but they don’t reverse. It may be a subtle difference but it has to do with allowing them to have their dignity and respect rather than treating them as a child.
Caring for her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but because I did I was able to get to know her better than any other way. She did not show her feelings or discuss her private thoughts. I learned much about myself through this journey. I also had peace when she passed. Our relationship was “resolved”.
Tara mentioned she was not grieving after her mother passed. Truth is, she grieved all the way up to her death. Death came as a relief in more ways than one. Doesn’t mean we didn’t love our Mothers.
My Mom cared about appearances too. She did not understand the reality of true intimacy with the people in her life. Unfortunately she never experienced it. Strangers could be treated as family and family as strangers. She was well-liked, even a president of a seniors group.
So what did I do for her funeral? Since I left the Catholic Church years ago, I wrote a tribute of sorts and asked my pastor to come and read it. And I wrote an obituary that would have made her proud.
Tara is a far better writer. Like Tara I did what I was supposed to do- I loved Mom to the best of my ability. I miss her for who she was and all the ways she added to my life. I am grateful that things turned out the way they did. I have no regrets.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:10:15 +0000

I was thinking of you today, and I was wondering how you were doing. Then I clicked on this site, and I saw your two latest blogs. I love the honor and respect you give to your Mom in spite of all her problems during her life. I hope you keep in contact via this site, and I hope you will tell us how your are doing from time to time. I would welcome correspondence at my e-mail address also.
Sharon

By: Denise

Denise — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:18:04 +0000

Thank you. I loved meeting your mom. I really loved meeting her through you, because you were the ultimate “through” for her. Through you, she lived. Through you, she still lives. And, because of her, you live a full life. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Please let us know how it goes. XXOO

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By: NJ

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By: Denise