The Ethics of Caregiving: Navigating The Shades Of Grey

Ethics:

• A set of principles of right conduct.
• A theory or a system of moral values: “An ethic of service is at war with a craving for gain” (Gregg Easterbrook).
• The study of the general nature of morals and of the specific moral choices to be made by a person; moral philosophy.
• The rules or standards governing the conduct of a person or the members of a profession.

Your spouse has advanced Alzheimer’s disease; is it okay to date a member of your support group?

I first encountered such a real-life situation a few years ago. A dear friend began dating a member of his Alzheimer’s caregiver support group: His wife had died; her husband was receiving care in a nursing home. They fell in love. He was 90-years-old; she was 72. They began dating and moved in together. Her children vehemently disagreed with their relationship. When her husband died, they married. Nine months after marrying, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My friend cared for his new wife until her death, just months after her diagnosis.

Their thought process about their romance, which began during her marriage, was this: They’ve been given another chance for love, for happiness. Why not grab it?

As one family caregiver said about this situation, “This is tough.” No doubt about it, this situation can certainly be seen in black and white and all shades of grey.

A few suggestions in case you find yourself grappling with a similar situation:

1. Remember that ethics (determining what’s right and wrong for yourself) are different than your feelings. Acting on feelings doesn’t necessary make a situation ethical. Of course, you’ll want to take into account feelings (yours and others affected by the situation) when facing an ethical decision.

2. Ask yourself: In five years, when I look back at this situation, which decision that I can make will make me feel the proudest? Looking ahead can help you gain some perspective.

3. Brainstorm every option and then create scenarios around each one. Looking at potential options from all angles can help you find the right one. And, by anticipating all reactions and results of your decision, you can determine your comfort level with each possible decision.

4. Look for a decision that’s akin to a compromise. All or nothing rarely is the right decision; it’s usually somewhere in the middle.

5. Talk to professionals, friends and family members about your situation. Listen with an open heart, remembering that everyone will have an opinion. Within their opinions, you may find a perspective that will help you decide what’s right for you.

6. Allow yourself the freedom to revise and change your decision. You may make a decision with information known to you today. Tomorrow, you may learn additional information that will change your decision. Or, you may make a decision, then decide, after living with it, that’s it not the right decision for you. That’s okay.

7. Give yourself the time needed to make the right decision. It’s your life—you’ll know when you’ve had enough to make your decision.

8. It might help to consider not what feels good but what feels right.

Ethical decisions are part of life and often make life more interesting and more vibrant. They also offer an incredible opportunity for personal growth—you’ll never know what you’ll discover about yourself as you search for your right answers.

What do you think? Have you encountered a difficult decision that called for a review of your ethics? Share your experiences in our comments section.

Resources:

A Framework for Ethical Thinking

Making Ethical Decisions (Christian-based process)

The Ethical Decision-Making Process

Related articles

• Alzheimer’s Other Victims: Caregivers (abcnews.go.com)