Dear Denise,
I’m new to your website. After scanning the pages and looking for an answer, I was wondering, should I confront my brother who lives two blocks away from my mother? He won’t offer help at all….not making decisions or in her care. He “stops” for literally two minutes every other weekend and stands in her foyer looking like a jack rabbit ready to run. There are three children and we all live close (minutes) plus my uncle who lives next door and will stay over night. My mother won’t move in with any one of us (she has issues with all the in-laws and all the kids) nor will she go to a nursing home.
The docs are okay with the way things are right now. Her house is a rancher. She has had polycythemia vera that turned into myleofibrosis threeyears ago. It is a leukemia type of disease.Plus complicating that she has had heart failure and the risk of stroke from it.Colon surgery last summer also set her back. Add inrepeated bouts of gout. I am there every day, taking care of the house needs, taking her to lunch because as crazy as it sounds she only eats breakfast and snacks home.This was because her spleen was so big she was starving to death and that was the only way to get her to eat. Radiation solved that along with interferon.
I make sure every thing is done, medications, her “food shopping”, etc. Last year she had her carotid artery operated on and just days ago they want to do it again along with the other side!!!!! This time they want to stent it!!! Is it for money that this doctor’s do this???? Adding to the mix, she has always for as long as I can remember as a child, been nervous and suffering from panic attacks. She is 75 and thinks this life is eternal and for some reason I have the answers and am her personal savior. AND I JUST BETTER NOT MAKE A MISTAKE. Her team of doctors have kept her alive way past her life expectancy for this disease and are not really interested in the quality of life.
My question is my older brother tells me, “Well, you just turned fifty, do what you want” when I say I can’t even go to the store myself. Do I confront him about his lack of help? Do I shut him out of my life? Do I even try to make him understand? Do I demand an answer from him when it comes to medical decisions? (Lately, he has been a backseat quarterback when things do go wrong.)
I really don’t think she should have more operations and his answer is “I don’t know” repeated over and over again. I do have another younger brother who is great on giving me a break on the weekends.I feel like I’ve got to get it off my chest. I don’t want any more trouble, I have enough and I feel like I want to explode.
Hello,
Thanks so much for writing. So much is on your shoulders–the life of your mother, the decisions affecting her life, and her redemption. I can only imagine how frustrating and exhausting this situation is for you. You’re doing remarkably well under unbelievably stressful situations.
In regard to your mom’s care: Would you feel comfortable contacting a local Hospice in your area? The staff can tell you about their program, which emphasizes patient comfort, and about the physicians they work with. Hospice may not be the way you want to go, but it might be helpful to hear another perspective about your mom’s situation. Most physicians are trained to cure, when often what the patients needs is comfort. Physicians working with a Hospice understand the difference.
In regard to your brother: It strikes me that your brother is absolutely overwhelmed, has no idea what to do, how to do it, what to say and how to say it. Consequently, he just can’t seem to get it right. As tempting as it is to strangle him, my suggestion would be to try a completely different tactic: When you see him, give him a hug and a kiss, tell him how glad you are to see him and thank him for his help. He is doing his best, his best is just different than what you can do. Perhaps this type of encouragement will help him feel more comfortable helping. When he takes on the role of an armchair quarterback, simply say: “I’m doing my best. And, that’s the best I can do.” You are doing your best and all decisions you make are with a loving heart. You, truly, cannot do more than that. You’re making decisions based on the knowledge you have at the time of the decision; you cannot be responsible for the outcomes when the conditions, situation and information changes (as will happen with all medical conditions).
As for future medical decisions: My suggestion would be to invite your brothers and uncle for a family meeting; try to include your mom, if possible. Indicate the purpose of the meeting is to hash out the options available for your mom (including what Hospice suggested; a Hospice representative may even be able to mediate your meeting), what your mom wants and then come to the best decision you can. Perhaps in a group meeting, your overwhelmed brother will feel more comfortable expressing his views or at least agreeing with what you and the others suggest.
You also may want to call your local Area Agency on Aging to find out about programs and services in your community that can help you take care of your mom. Many agencies have funding to provide some in-home care so that the primary family caregiver (you) can get regular breaks. It’s sad and upsetting that your older brother can’t help more; there may be help for you, though, in the community. Call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral to your local agency.
Would you like to join one of our online support groups? The members share your frustration and find great comforting in knowing that they have a safe place to vent, any time.
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If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
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I totally agree, Denise. My opinion is that with all the resources that this woman has in terms of family close by, there is no reason why she needs to do it all. Some people such as the brother might not see right away what they can do to contribute to the care and safety of their elderly parent. Perhaps a family caregiving meeting would be a good idea, get everyone together and brainstorm ways to share the duties of daily care.
I really admire her dedication to her mother but it sounds like she definitely needs some respite and some support from her family and others who are going through the same thing such as my sister, brother-in-law and I have experienced at our blog.
.-= Judi A Desperate Caregiver´s last blog ..What Is Mother’s Day Without Mother? =-.