Posted by
Denise on Sep 21st, 2009 in
Your Tips |
3 comments
I often wonder: Am I my own worst enemy?
You may ask yourself that same question after losing patience with your care recipient, or letting a family member get your goat, or when you regain the weight you worked so hard to lose.
These situations can make you very, very unhappy. Seemingly, happiness is reserved for actors in a sitcom television show. It just doesn’t seem to show up in our living rooms.
We can develop habits that work against us; our own actions or attitude may be keeping happiness out of reach. Some suggestions to keep happiness closer:
- Keep yourself from doing it all: When you do it all, you rob others of the opportunity to grow as a result of caregiving; you rob your care recipient the opportunity to know independence and the success such independence breeds; and you rob yourself the opportunities to take time off and away from an exhausting role.
- Manage your expectations: Your only sibling consistently refuses to offer help, but you consistently ask him for help. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Let go of the idea that your sibling should help (maybe he should but he probably still won’t) and start asking others–neighbors, friends, social service agencies, members of your house of worship. Give up on your sibling but don’t give up in believing you will find the help you deserve.
- Understand your role: It’s hard to see your care recipient unhappy and because you can “fix” (think of how much you’ve already fixed), you’ll try to fix your care recipient’s state of unhappiness. But making someone happy, especially someone who can’t or won’t be happy, is an exercise in frustration. As a family caregiver, your role is to ensure that your care recipient is safe and receiving the needed care, treatments and services. But, it’s not your job to make your care recipient happy.
- Respect your reality: As a daughter, you may find providing personal care to your dad to be uncomfortable and upsetting. But, you do it anyway, but not well, resulting in your dad’s red bottom. Or, you’ve always wanted to please your spouse; it was impossible in the past, but perhaps now, when you’re needed to provide care, you can do it. Your gut often will show you the reality of your situation (that you need help with incontinence care, that martyrdom doesn’t win love). Listen to your gut and then make decisions based on the reality of your situations.
- Redefine your idea of happiness: In your youth, happiness may have seemed to be a red car, a gorgeous date and a cold pack of beer. As you grew older, happiness became a caring spouse, healthy children, a secure job. As a family caregiver, your idea of happiness has been revised again. Take some time to revisit your definition of happiness. When are you happy? And, how can you increase those moments of happiness?
In our comments section, be sure to share the moments of happiness you enjoy in your day.
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This is a great article. I focus on ‘moments of joy’ in each day. It may be in listening to my mom as she’s sharing her day and then she excitedly shares some new bit of info or activity that she has experienced. Sometimes, it’s just putting my head on my pillow at night and enjoying the quiet.
Joy that comes at unexpected moments is the best!
.-= Dale Carter´s last blog ..Five Key Funding Sources for Your Aging Parent =-.
Dear Denise, Thank You for being out there that I found you thru the internet. After my brother’s death in 1999, I have lived with my Mother, at fisrt of course, it seemed as though it wasn’t looking real good that Mom was going to survive Marc’s passing. Okay now to the present time, it does not matter what,how,when,where and who else. If it’s a valid question concerning the daily routine involving teamwork to be done, my Mother flie’s into a rage saying that I am bombbarding (sp) her,trying to controll her and on & on!!!!!!! And once she felt that I had raised my voice above what she said I was being abusive, she would pick up the phone and call Elder Abuse, the two times the police did come out, they basically told her and of course myself, “you guys live together, learn to work together and get along because, and wouldn’t you rather have good things holding in your heart!?” She isn’t honest with her doctor’s,she’s on prozac and drinks coffee way into the night and like there’s no tomorrow. At the end of my rope, Sabra
Hi Sabra,
Family members–we can’t live with them, we can’t live without them. We love each other, we have the best intentions, but living under the same roof offers unusual challenges.
My best suggestion: Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (call the ElderCare Locator at 800.677.1116 for a referral). The agency will have a social worker on staff who can be a great resource for you. It would be great if you and your mom could meet with the social worker to discuss your differences and hash out a workable solution. If your mom won’t meet, then schedule an appointment for yourself with the social worker. You can learn about resources that can help as well as coping skills that may make a difference for you.
Hope this helps–let me know what happens.