About five years ago, I felt I lived under dark clouds. I had little money, so lived off cooked pasta flavored by Miracle Whip. Or, Doritos covered with melted shredded cheddar cheese. My mom gave me toilet paper. (You can read more what led to my dark days here.)
I did all I could to run from under the clouds, including taping affirmations on my apartment’s walls. I created affirmations opposite of my problems. Isn’t that what we should do? Spin our problems from negatives to positives? So, with my black Sharpie marker, I wrote: I have all the money I want and need.
Sigh. It didn’t work.
At all.
On Monday night, I finally understood why. I attended a presentation given by two life coaches–Christopher McAuliffe and Jodi Jan Larson. During their presentation, I had an “Ah-Ha!” moment. I understood how my affirmations were just yellow paint on a black wall; the yellow can never cover the black.
We can’t paint over our struggles. The proof? My affirmations just kept me within the problem. Telling myself I had all the money I could want just kept my focus on money, which I didn’t have. It was a vicious circle.
Chris and Jodi gave us an exercise to help us get outside that circle:
Let’s use this exercise to help with a common family caregiver problem: I don’t have any help.
Step 1: Write the fears, concerns or complaints.
I am very worried that, because I don’t have help, I won’t be able to provide the care my care recipient needs.
I wish my siblings would help—I don’t understand why they won’t.
I’m very concerned that I’ll never have the help I need in order to visit my family for a day during the holidays.
Step 2: What do these fears, concerns and complaints say about me?
I’m just not worth the effort and that’s why people don’t help.
My family doesn’t love me enough to help.
I don’t deserve to get what’s important to me.
Step 3: Are these statements an interpretation or a fact?
Is it really true that I’m not worth the effort? (Of course I’m worth the effort!)
Is the lack of help really about whether or not I am loved? (It’s actually not about me, it’s about their own fears and limitations.)
Why wouldn’t I deserve to have what I want? (I am deserving of all the good the world offers.)
Step 4: What do I bring today?
Today, I bring patience (or wisdom or love or creativity or a sense of humor or compassion or forgiveness).
In this four-step process, we remove ourselves from the pain of the thoughts surrounding lack of help. We move to the comfort of knowing that today we bring patience to our interactions, relationships, situations and our efforts to find solutions.
Today, I focus on patience; I let the rest take care of itself. Because it will.
What do you bring today to shift your sun?
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I love this process. I think these steps are worth taping to a wall … and that’s what I’m going to do. Thanks.
what an abslutely inspirational and wonderful story. It confirms my belief that sometimes our darkest moments are the ones we need to share with others and really they are pivotal times in our lives.we definately are guided at times and must go with our guts. We are all so blessed that you did because you have helped and are still guiding so many people including me. I would love to inspire people somehow one day. You truly are a wonderful inspiration. Even though Mom is my job these days i still tell myself Im successful. this is now my job and who knows what will happen some day with my story….thank you so much for the website but for your story. that could be a book all on its own!!!!!
I read your article and also listened to your broadcast Saturday evening. I think it is a good idea to acknowledge one’s fears and negative emotions. Only then can we deal with them. We do often tell ourselves lies about ourselves. Listening to those lies only depresses and discourages us.
I am a failable human being; and yes, I do make mistakes sometimes. God does and will forgive me for those things, however. Also God has assigned me this job of caregiving, so He will give me the strength to do it. I do need to think about what attitude I can bring to the situation each day. I think that makes a world of difference. It is not always easy to keep a patient atitiude. In the measure I can do that I think things go better,however. I find, also that I can face fears with more confidence by believing in my God and not in myself. I know I am weak, but He is strong and will give me the strength. He also will not fail me.
What a wonderful article.
And Sharon, I am so happy I read your comment. So beautifully said. My father is 82 years old. He was diagnosed with dementia, and also had a stroke last year. My dad lives with me and I am his caregiver. It has been a very rich experience, but also a very trying time for me, and my little children, and my husband. It is comforting to know there are other people dealing with the same experience.
Hi Sharon–You bring faith every day. And, that’s awesome!