(Editor’s Note: Denise has been answering family caregivers’ questions since 2000. Once in awhile, we share a column from a previous year. Today’s column originally appeared in 2004.)
Hello Denise,
Your website has been like a breath of fresh air to me. Can you please tell me where I might find info on long-distance caregiving?
My situation is complicated: my parents have 2 homes; one here in Montana, where I live, and one in Ohio (where my mom grew up) near my sister. Recently, my dad’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse, and my mom is much more comfortable in Ohio, in her childhood home because their Montana home is a remote cabin miles from anywhere. My sister, with her large family of 8 kids, lives up the road from my Mom in Ohio. My mom and my sister help each other all the time; my mom baby-sits; my sister drives our parents to appointments etc (they don’t drive any more). They are like a closed, co-dependent club and much closer to each other than I am to either of them; I was always closer to my dad.
My sister and my mom have hinted and sometimes blatantly told me that I should move out there, into my parents’ home and live with them and help take care of them. I have offered to take care of them out here in Montana, but my husband and children do not want to move to Ohio, and frankly, neither do I. I would be absorbed into also taking care of my sister’s many kids and I do not want to do that! My best idea is that my parents come out here and stay with us for about a month this summer. We can go up with them to their cabin for about a week and the rest of the time they can be at our house. I told both my mom and my sister that I think they need a break from each other; that I want to help by helping them here, but that I cannot move across the country. My husband also wants to see my dad, and my husband cannot leave his construction job to go out to Ohio….
So…I deal with tons of guilt because when all is said and done, I have been very much closer to my dad and I miss him and feel like I should be with him…if they were in Montana! Do other long distance people deal with this?! My mom and sister seem to feel it is an easy thing to uproot one’s family and move across the country. I don’t feel that way. It would really have a huge impact on us, financially, socially and in so many ways. I am not comfortable in Ohio except for visits.
I need suggestions and constructive things I can do, if you please have any. I am going to call the Alzheimer’s Association tomorrow and try to have someone from the Geriatric Care Management go see my parents, and try to set up something so my sister doesn’t have to drive my parents to all their appointments. Last fall I went out to Ohio and set up something with an adult day care place, but my mom never took my dad there, and does not seem to want to do that. I am also wondering if I can get some meals delivered to my parents. I don’t want to neglect my responsibilities here, but I just can’t move to Ohio.
Do you have any suggestions on other things I can do? And about my guilt-Is it OK for us NOT to move? I really, really don’t want to move, but I want to help my parents.
Many thanks for your help. Just writing this out helps me a lot!!
Hi,
Thanks so much for writing! First, you’re doing a great job supporting your mom and your sister from a distance. Your ideas (contacting the Alzheimer’s Association, geriatric care managers, Meals on Wheels) are great ones. And, you’re wise to realize that you can help from a distance! It’s also a very nice idea to have your folks visit for a month this summer. As your father’s dementia increases, you may find that these trips become harder and harder for him to manage. Do it while he can, but be aware that, at some point, it may be too much for him (and your mom).
Your guilt over the distance is common and completely understandable. I think, though, that guilt comes with the territory, no matter where you live. If you lived five minutes away, you might feel guilty if you only helped a few hours a day and your mom and your sister wanted more. It’s easy to feel that you’re not doing enough. But, when you do your best (and you are doing your best), it’s always enough. You can’t do any more than that. And, remember, distance does not change how much you love your father (and your mom and your sister). Regular phone calls and letters home to them will let them know how much you miss and love them. Writing your dad and sharing your memories of your life together may be a wonderful way for you and your father to stay connected.
Moving your family from Montana to Ohio may, on paper, seem to solve some of the concerns you (or your sister and your mom) have about your parents: You’d be available to help out on a regular basis, which would be wonderful for your parents and your sister. The question is, though: At what cost to you and your own family? Moving cross-country is such a huge undertaking, even if the move is because of a good job opportunity.
Uprooting your family to help your parents, although a wonderful idea, would seem to cause more problems than solutions. It would be great if you lived closer, but our world is different these days–many families are physically separated by distance (which may be easier to manage than the emotional separation some families experience).
Stay in Montana. Continue to research options for your mom and your sister. Continue to offer regular time off for your sister (such as the month-long stay this summer). Be supportive of your sister’s role, express your gratitude for her ability to help out. Doing these things are wonderful. And, when you do these things, you have no reason to feel guilty.
Hope this helps! Remember: You’re doing all that you can–and that’s always the best you can do.
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Tags: long-distance caregiving
