Ask Denise: Why Wouldn’t She Just Tell Me?

Dear Denise,

First of all, thank you for your blog. I have found it very enlightening and uplifting during this hard time. My father was recently placed in the local VA Home – without my knowledge.  I live in the same town as my parents, who have been married for 50 years.

My mother came to me and my husband to inform me that she had put my dad in the home.  I completely understand her motive, but I wish she had come to me before – just to inform me.  I didn’t know where he was for three days.

After my mom told me, she stood up and left.  Totally irrational, but after reading your blog, who is rational during a time like this?

Hello,

I’m so glad you find the site helpful!

Just a few thoughts:

What a sad time for all of you. I would imagine you feel somewhat betrayed by your mom. Why couldn’t she trust you to tell you?

I think sometimes in sad times, we turn inward, rather than sharing the sadness outward. It sounds like your mom has done this–gone inside, perhaps as a way to lick her wounds.

I would imagine your mom is not only sad but really frightened by her decision. Perhaps her fears kept her quiet. She may have worried (incorrectly) that you may not have approved of her decision–making it that much harder to live with her decision. I also would imagine she feels a bit of shame about her decision: She couldn’t keep him at home any longer. And, when there’s shame, there’s probably guilty: She just must
feel awful that he’s no longer at home.

Your upset about the situation is absolutely understandable. When you can, give you mom a hug and let you know you support and love her. Most importantly, let her know you understand. Ask her to keep you informed of decisions in the future that affect all of you. Tell her you want to know because you want to be there for her during difficult times, that you feel terrible that she went through this on her own.

I think this will help your mom come outside.

Thanks for writing. I hope you are feeling a little bit better.

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

Tags: forgiveness, frustration, nursing home