Today on Your Caregiving Journey, Anna Stookey joined us for the second part of our discussion on healing family rifts. Our discussion focused on spending time during the holidays with those who just seem to push our buttons. (You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of this post.)
Some suggestions to keep in mind:
1. Just let your family “be” rather than expecting them to be who you think they should be. In other words, let it go. Allowing an imperfect family allows you to be imperfect, too.
2. Our feelings have truths, which can lead to actions that respect and honor you and your role. If someone hurts your feelings, take care of yourself by standing up for yourself. You can do so graciously and effectively. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean swinging fists. But, it can mean slaying bullies: “Gosh, Ruth, saying that hurts my feelings. I do my best every day. And, when it’s a tough day, I stick it out. So, when you say something like that, I feel unappreciated. And, that makes me feel really sad.”
3. Keep in mind that this situation (caregiving) can be a really weird time for everyone. Invite everyone to talk about it. Say: “Things are different this year. How does everyone feel about it?” Then, share how you feel. Emotional situations filled with dreaded changes (and caregiving changes everything) can leave others tongue-tied. You can begin the dialogue, which opens the opportunity for greater understanding among everyone.
4. Our internal dialogue about situations can lead to miscommunications, adding to the rift. We often write the script for our parts and everyone else’s. Allow others to explain their side; have the same expectation of others about your story. Clearing up mis-cues can begin the healing.
5. See others as being on the same team as you. Because you’re on the same team, be a good teammate and tell others how you feel, what you need. It’s a “we” rather than a “me” versus “you.” Treat others like the enemy and you’ve just created an enemy. Believing that other family members are on your team can help continue to promote the healing.
“The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation” (attribution: Andrew Schneider) is the quote I read during the show. You can transform because of your relationships. This holiday, transform. It’s a great way to start 2010.
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