- Image by Emmey via Flickr
Often, the relatives you see the least can be the family members who try your patience and sanity the most. It’s your husband’s sister, who calls only twice a year, but insists on chastising you for not providing the “best care” for her brother. These encounters don’t seem so bad over the telephone. But, face-to-face, well, those are the run-ins you just dread.
Keep in mind that these relatives can’t understand or appreciate the role you play as caregiver. Because they pop in and out, they don’t understand the difficulty you face in trying to be the best caregiver possible. But, with a little education and information, you might be able to open their eyes–and their hearts.
Although you regularly update your family about your care recipient’s condition, sometimes the truth of your words hits home during a relative’s visit. When a family member first schedules a visit to see you, begin the process of re-educating them about your care recipient’s current illness or condition. Your local associations, such as The Cancer Society, Alzheimer’s Association and Arthritis Foundation have excellent brochures and flyers that can help you inform family members. Suggest that your relatives contact their local offices for tips and suggestions on how they can best handle a visit with your care recipient.
Your family members may be frightened by the condition of their once-virile and healthy loved one. But if they are familiar with the disease’s progression and condition, they will be more comfortable and understanding of their loved one.
Also, recommend that they read books that you found particularly helpful, such as The 36-Hour Day. If you keep a diary or journal detailing the activities of your day, then copy and mail to them several pages that represent a true day for you. Include a list of techniques that you have found useful when dealing with your care recipient’s repetitive questioning, loss of bladder or bowel control, or confusion.
Also, if your care recipient suffers from Alzheimer’s disease or a similar dementia, include a list of “triggers”, events or actions that seem to create a negative reaction or behavior. For instance, if your care recipient strikes out when someone stands too close to him, then be sure that your family members know that.
Perhaps your relatives would like to attend your support group meeting with you. As you know, hearing your story from someone else reduces your feelings of isolation and helplessness. Your relative may reap the same benefit.
Share your learning experiences with them–how you adapted to the changes due to your care recipient’s illness. Communicating your knowledge and experience will be helpful for you, your care recipient and your family members. Your relatives may be comforted to know that you share their anger, concerns and fear about your care recipient’s disease or illness.
Setting the Stage for Success
Because holidays may be the one of the few times that the family gathers during the year, everyone will be tempted to use the time to weigh in with their opinions on your caregiving situation. Consider asking family members to adhere to this rule: Discussions about your caregiving situation will be tabled until after the holidays. Indicate to family members that you want their insights and suggestions on your situation, but you also want to enjoy the holiday season. Ask everyone to commit to a phone conversation that will take place after January 1st, during which your caregiving situation is discussed.
Handling conflicts
Even if everyone commits to holding off until after the holidays, a visit from family members wouldn’t be the same without a family “disagreement”. With the added stress of a loved one that needs care, the family fights may become more heated and more frequent. And, unfortunately, your relatives may be looking for an easy target on which to take out their guilt and disappointment at their loved one’s illness or disease. Guess who’s the target? That’s right–you.
Your daughter may disagree with the decisions you’ve made about your husband’s care. Your sister-in-law may think your weekly trip to the support group meeting is a waste of time and that you, not some “stranger”, should be taking care of her brother.
If a conflict or disagreement arises, stay calm. Try to listen to your daughter’s objections or your sister-in-law’s argument, no matter how selfish their words may seem. You may even hear a suggestion that could make your life a little easier.
If an argument seems to be born from family members’ inability to accept the situation, you might try to agree with their feelings, rather than their words.
For instance, you might try this approach if your daughter questions her father’s participation in an adult day care center: “You know, Helen, I have often wondered if I’ve made the right choices about your dad’s care. I’ve tried a companion, a home health aide and finally this adult day care center. Of all that I’ve tried, your father enjoys the adult day care center the most. He enjoys the other people and the staff. It makes him feel like he’s going out to work every day again. So, I made my decision on what makes your father happiest. Maybe tomorrow we could visit the center so you could meet the staff.”
To your sister-in-law (who has always been difficult), you might say: “June, I understand your concern that perhaps a stranger cannot give the same kind of care that I can. I have felt that way myself. But, I am home all day and all night every day of the week, except when I leave for a few hours to attend my support group meeting. That’s the only time I can be with the friends I’ve made. You know, very few people come here to visit anymore. I feel very isolated. I’m sure you can understand that.
“The home health aide that comes every Wednesday night is very helpful, very nice. Walt likes her. Why don’t I ask her to come tomorrow evening and you can stop by to meet her? We’ll treat ourselves and go out for coffee and dessert. If, when we come home, you think that Walt has not been taken care of while we were gone or that the aide isn’t nice, then you can find someone else.”
Since you have been the primary caregiver, it’s hard not to take family members’ comments and suggestions personally. However, by keeping an open mind and standing up for yourself, you’ll find that everyone wants the same–health and happiness for you and your care recipient.
Inside Our Holiday Survival Guide
- Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)
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