Happy Thanksgiving fellow Caregivers!
Unfortunately I may actually end up having pizza for Thanksgiving Dinner this year; something I have battled with my sister for years to keep OFF of the holiday table (I mentioned this little tradition in a post recently). I am sitting in the hospital taking care of my mom and we were unable to travel to our home town to spend time with family this year. I am battling all of the applicable emotions here – but am getting really good at stuffing those and handling the task at hand. I know eventually everything has to be dealt with, however. This morning I find myself somewhat weepy – one product of stuffing (ok – I couldn’t resist using that term today!!!).
As I’ve written about before, one of the side-effects of my mom’s end-stage liver disease is something called, hepatic encephalopathy, which is a build up of the ammonia in the blood stream because the liver cannot filter it out. This ammonia affects the brain and impairs mental, and subsequently, physical function. She started getting bad last week and progressed Friday to the point where hospitalization was probably necessary to lower the ammonia build-up – but then we decided to tackle it ourselves over the weekend, understanding it was probably all we would be doing. I thought it was going pretty well, although the results could have been a little more consistent to my liking.
Monday was an important day in my new job as my first deadline came and was met successfully. I moved an important appointment (see my blog – “Family Day”) for my job, which was a struggle of conscience. As most compromises do, however, it turned out ok. I arrived home from work to find my mom unable to communicate and 100% dependent for all ADLs, so avoiding another hospitalization was really no longer an option. Perhaps if I had just done it on Friday we would be at home now cooking with family. Because I AM the ultimate optimist, I still held out hope that an overnight stay would clear her up and we would drive home on Wednesday for the holiday; Thursday at the latest. Silly boy…when was the last time that happened!?!? There is quite a difference between optimism and delusion!!!
So, here we are in the Progressive Care Unit, not in the car on our way to family. We’ve not had an everyone-present Thanksgiving for probably 5 years now because of dad – but I felt it really important that we spend the day together this year with mom because, although I pray daily and work with all of my might for the day when she is given the gift of life, frankly, if it is not God’s will that she be healed then this could very well be the last Thanksgiving we have with her. Mom has improved today but still remains very sick and very weak. She will bounce back from this as well, but what I am finding is she is now not bouncing all of the way back, each time. This is the concern of the doctors as well – that she may be to the point where she is too weak to make it through the brutal surgery that is an organ transplant.
Although each episode is transient, I do find myself getting down and depressed periodically. I’m not sure if the depression and sadness are about how sick my mom is, the lost ‘possibly last’ opportunity to spend Thanksgiving as a family, the graveness of the situation, or all of the above. I’m sure it is all of the above. I will pray my way through it and now have the Caregiving.com blog as an outlet as well. I will come out on the other side – I’m just not sure what I’ll look like when I get there.
So – if you have the opportunity today to spend time with loved ones – don’t squander it. Be grateful for all you have, I know I am. I may be taking care of my mom in a hospital instead of spending time with family, but I certainly am grateful that I have the opportunity to do so.
Blessings to all on this beautiful Thanksgiving Day, 2009, I hope you are able to make some lasting memories this weekend.
-Derek
I am so sorry you are spending this day with your Mom in the hospital. I pray that you will find a moment of joy at some point today.
Oh, I’m so sorry! Oh, gosh, I wish I could pack us up in a car to come be with you and your mom. Well, know that we are, in spirit, with you. We are holding your hand, sharing a smile, wishing for the best. I’m very grateful that you share with us. Please keep us posted…