Ask Denise: How Do I Resolve a Huge Mess?

Dear Denise,

My mother and dad have been taking care of my disabled brother for almost 9 years. She is 76, he is 81. My mother has several serious health issues, heart, high B.P., and diabetes. She had a T.I.A. two years ago and is on blood thinners. Mom (who was an RN) refuses to hire adequate nurses and aides to take care of my brother and now, herself.

She could easily afford it. She just hopes that one night she will just go to sleep and die. Dad doesn’t help much. They have never had respite care all this time. I have tried to help but my health began to suffer because they wanted me to do everything that they have done.

My parents don’t let my brother make any decisions for himself. I think this has become a huge mess that won’t stop until someone dies. Any suggestions?

Hello,

Oh, what a heart-breaking situation!

I wonder if your mom is so worried about what will happen to your  brother after she dies that she’s literally killing herself in the process. Perhaps she’s so worried about what to do that she thinks death is her only escape from her anxiety. A few ideas:

• Share your concerns with your mom. Tell her you worry about her, that you want her to be a part of your life for a very, very long time. Ask how you can help her (but set your limits and boundaries) so that she can take care of herself. A big part of helping her is getting help—you can’t do it all. You can tell your mom: “I want to help, but I need help in order to help. Let’s try a few things (professional caregiver, transportation services, Personal Emergency Response) and see which ones work.” And, ask her what her worries/anxieties are about your brother’s future. Assure her that you want what’s best for your brother and you can help plan for his future care.

• Call the Area Agency on Aging in your area (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116). The agency should have a social worker on staff who can help. Explain your situation and your concerns about your mom. Ask for suggestions on intervening to help your mom. Ask if the social worker can meet with you and your parents to discuss options for ensure your brother will be receive the care he needs in the future.

• It seems that your mom is so overwhelmed and consumed by her caregiving that she has lost her perspective. She also may be suffering from depression. As soon as you can, take her to her physician. Be sure to share your concerns with her physician that your mom may be depressed. And, ask the doctor for help in convincing your mom that she’s a great mother—and will continue to be one when she accepts helps.  Others, such as paid professionals that she oversees, should help. Your mom may be more receptive to getting help if her doctor “orders” it. Having help, and a break, may help your mom feel better about decisions she’s facing.

• Consider who else has any pull with your mom (pastor, rabbi, priest, for instance) and to whom she will listen. The message to her encourages her to take care of herself in order to be a good wife and mother to you and assures her that accepting help still means she’s a loving, caring mother to your brother.

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone!

Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.