Dear Denise,
The basis of my question is this: How do you coax a very headstrong someone who’s aging, has Alzheimer’s and can no longer take care of themselves into a nursing home? Details below.
A couple of years ago my mother was forced to move in with her mother as it was thought my grandma had a terminal disease. This was difficult, especially for my mom, who has never been close to her mother. They bicker and fight about everything, like my grandmother’s unwillingness to take a bath or asking my mom questions over and over. My mom goes ballistic and while I tell her she should try and ignore these things, she seems incapable. My mom goes to a support group consisting of others in similar situations, but she doesn’t have a clue about resources or her rights as a caregiver and my grandmother’s power of attorney appointee.
A couple of years have passed and it turns out that my grandmother, who’s 90, doesn’t have the disease she was diagnosed with. So my mom feels like she got a “life sentence” – my grandmother’s condition has actually been improving, no doubt with some help from my mom who cooks her healthy food, etc. To complicate matters, Alzheimer’s is slowly but surely descending on my grandmother and, as she’s a very egotistical and headstrong personality, she’s in denial about it (which I’ve heard is typical).
Now I guess she’s exhibiting what they call “sundowner’s” as she becomes incredibly active and alert at night and wants to search for her checkbook in the garage in the middle of the night, even if it means going out on an icy sidewalk to get there. My mom can’t get any sleep with grandma roaming around. Last year she tripped over her oxygen tube and fell on her hand, which she can no longer use and which can’t be operated on.
My grandmother absolutely refuses to be put in a nursing home and has even walked out of one after she had broken her hand.
This situation is killing my mom. I’m going to visit home in a couple of weeks and she’s expecting me to help her get my grandma into a home. It sounds impossible.
Grandma will likely “disown” us as she has threatened to do so many times in the past. But we may have to take that chance.
Any suggestions/strategies/resources are welcome!
Hello,
What an incredibly upsetting and stressful situation for all of you! Consider this a process of several steps, concentrating on one step at a time.
First, it’s critical that your grandmother get to a geriatrician who can offer a correct diagnosis. Call the Area Agency on Aging at 1-800-677-1116; the staff can provide a list of geriatricians in your mom’s area. Check with your mom about availability, then make an appointment for your grandmother during your trip home. Plan on all three of you attending the appointment. The geriatrician and his/her staff can help you and your mom determine the best place for your grandmother.
Second, call the Alzheimer’s Association hotline at 1-800-272-3900 and explain your situation. Ask for guidance that you can offer your mom. Then, share what you’ve learned, as well as the hotline number, with your mom; encourage her to call as often as she needs. Another assocation, Alzheimer’s Foundation of America, has a hotline that’s another terrific resource for your mom: 1-866-AFA-8484.
Third, consider hiring a geriatric care manager who can visit your mom and your grandmother in their home during the next few days. The geriatric care manager can assess the situation and make recommendations to both you and your mom. Be sure to ask the care manager to call you after meeting with your mom and your grandmother. You’ll want to be able to ask her questions about the situation and gather information about her recommendations about services and programs that can help. You also can learn more about a geriatric care manager (as well as search for one in your mom’s area) here: www.caremanager.org. The care manager also can help sort through the other important components of your grandmother’s care, including power of attorney.
If at any time during your process, you run into a brick wall, ask for suggestions on who else can help you.
Finally, this situation is about what’s best for your grandmother and your mother. Is your grandmother safe in at home? Is your mom able to manage the difficult and demanding care needs of an older adult? It’s imperative to think about this situation objectively. Your grandmother’s threats are threats from someone who is not well. Let your knowledge of what truly is best for her be your only guide. Your grandmother may seem to be impossible, but the situation is not. Be steadfast in your belief that you are taking the right actions and making the right decisions–because you
are.
Hope this helps!
Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.
If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
